I am so on edge today. Worse than I have been in a long time. Every sound, every movement, every perceived expression on other people’s faces. Everything is making me jump out of my skin. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I called and left a message for my doctor about my anxiety, and her nurse called me this morning. That was a hard conversation. She seemed to think that I was just going through an anxious spell. I told her that I’ve had this since I was a child, and it’s just now gotten to the point that I can’t handle it anymore. That was probably poor wording because the next question she asked me was…
“Do you feel like you are danger to yourself or others?” That caught me a bit off-guard, and I said, “Oh God, no!”. I don’t want anyone to ever think that about me. I am not suicidal. In fact, I love life in general, and I have a husband and child. I would never take my own life, and I would NEVER hurt anyone else.
So the conversation continued with a battery of other questions. Heart palpitations? Check. Panic Attacks? Check. Does Dr. know that you have anxiety? Um, not yet. I’ve been good at hiding it all these years. And on and on until the nurse was satisfied that she had enough information to pass on to my doctor. I was close to tears the entire time.
My doctor is rounding today, but will be in this afternoon. I hope I get a call by the end of the day to let me know where to go from here. If she doesn’t prescribe me meds, maybe she can refer me to a therapist or something.
I have to thank the reader’s who gave me so much encouragement. It was a HUGE feat for me to be able to make that call. I made the leap, and asked for help. That is something that is incredibly hard for me. I’ve always been self-sufficient, and pride myself on being so independent…to my detriment at times.
So here goes. Cross your fingers that I’ll get the help I need.