The Hole

I miss my sister.  I haven’t seen her in more than 20 years.  It’s amazing to think about how long that really is.  After my mother died, we were thrown up in a turmoil.  My father couldn’t cope with her death and didn’t know how to raise kids.  My mother, even during her sickest of times took care of us along with my aunt.  My father was in the service and spent most of his time on base.

He went from one horrible woman to another, I’m sure because he was lonely and looking for a mother for us.  He ended up marrying the most horrible woman.  She was very abusive to my sister and I and turned my father that way as well.  To this day I believe that my father had a very weak mind.  He never abused us once while my mother was alive.  Anyway, my sister and I literally lived in hell with these people.  I won’t go into detail in this post.  I’ll save it for another, but I want to focus on my relationship with my sister.

All we had was each other.  We were as close as could be and took comfort in each other during the worst times.  There came a time when my father decided that I had to leave.  I was eight years old.  He sent me to live with my mother’s family and my sister was left behind.  I wish I would have been older and had the capacity to demand she come with me, but I was in a state of terror.  I was afraid to say anything to my father or step-mother so I just rolled with the punches.

He kept in contact with me for about a year, pretending to be a good father from afar.  He sent me gifts and cards, and then he just dropped off the face of the earth.  Nothing for years.  I eventually found out his phone number in my 15th year and gave him a call.  I asked about my sister and he told me that he didn’t have her anymore and that he, in fact, was not her father.  After that he flat out told me that he never wanted to see or hear from me again.  I was heartbroken, but not by that.  I was heartbroken about my sister.  I missed her so much and thought about her everyday, but she was lost to me.

One day, when I was 19 years old, I got a call from my grandmother.  My sister’s foster mother had found my grandmother’s phone number and given her a call.  I remember starting to shake uncontrollably, my hubby (boyfriend at the time) had to hold me up.  I was literally in shock and wasted no time calling my sister.  I was amazed to hear her voice, she was all grown up.  I remembered her as the 5 year old I left that day.  That was 11 years ago.

Fast forward to now.  We keep in regular contact.  Technology has made that very easy.  She is living a very happy life with her husband and 5 month old baby boy.  We have not met in person yet.  Unfortunately, something has always come up, life changes in progress hinder our ability to see each other.  I live in Wisconsin and she lives in Texas.  I’ve been missing her so much lately that it hurts.  I want to see her so bad.  I want to hug her and tell her I’m sorry for leaving her behind.  I want our children to meet and love each other.  I want our husbands to hang out and shoot the shit.  I want to move closer to her someday so we can cultivate the sisterly bond that was ripped apart when we were so young.

I feel a hole in my heart that won’t be filled until this happens.

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