I’m having a rollercoaster of a day.  I’ve been so excited and happy lately for Christmas.  It’s been such a wonderful time of year for me so far.  My devestating loss keeps creeping in on me today.

My mother was the epitome of amazing mothers.  So perfect in everyway.  I’ve never felt the kind of love she had for me with anyone since.  It was truly a devestating event for me.  One I’ve never been able to get over.

I’ve read countless articles and books on motherloss and gone through therapy to cope with my feelings, and have been doing really well, but this time of year has a dark feeling in me that tries to come out.

I have been doing all the things with my daughter that my mother used to do with me at Christmas time, and building new traditions with her.  It has been a very rewarding experience, but every now and then, like today, I get this pain in my heart, wishing that my mother were here to enjoy it too.

I guess I just have to get this out so I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind.  I know this will pass, but right now it feels like I’m sinking in my grief.  I miss her so much.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. some people just hide in plain sight
    Dec 18, 2009 @ 13:12:02

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling your loss today. I know it comes in waves and it’s hard when it shows up.

    My mom is not the perfect mom. She has just been diagnosed with cancer and I’m dealing with all sorts of fear, grief, and shame because I have so much anger about how she has and still does treat me. But she’s the love of my life and I’m so afraid of being without her. shit.


    • insaneheart09
      Dec 18, 2009 @ 13:39:30

      I’m sorry you are going through this. It has to be worse for you considering your relationship with her. I was blessed to have my mother be so wonderful. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*


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