Fatherly Confusion

Now I’m pissed off.  Ugh.  My asshole father has been creeping into my mind too much today.  I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can say that I despise him for what he did to me.  For the longest time I loved him so much, even after the beatings, name-calling, degrading, imprisonment, and eventual abandonment, I still loved him.  Loved him so much in fact that had he just picked up the phone and called me, telling me that he wanted to be in my life, I would have been elated beyond belief.  How sick is that?  This man abused me for years and then kicked me out of my house at the age of 8.

Everyone around me would always tell me what a horrible person he was for what he did to my sister and I.  My husband would tell me that if he ever met him, he would end up punching him.  No one understood me, and I felt like a lunatic for loving this man.  I thought I had forgiven him for everything he had done long ago, and that this was just what it felt like after that.  Boy, was I dead wrong.

When I finally started picking apart everything that he did, and how it affected my life as an adult, I started to get angry.  He is the reason why I had no clue what a healthy relationship was.  He was the reason why I found myself not being able to hug my daughter.  He was the reason why I pushed everyone away in my life.

Don’t get close to me, and I won’t get close to you.

He is the reason why I cringed every time my husband would raise his voice or get angry with me.  He is the reason why I begged my husband to hit me when we were arguing (he NEVER did).  He is the reason why I hold stuff inside me and walk on eggshells around everyone.

If I did something wrong (and sometimes I would get blamed for things I didn’t do) I would get beat with a belt or his hand.  If I didn’t answer him promptly, I’d get slapped across the face.  If I got so much as one thing wrong on a test or homework from school, he would lock me in my room for weeks.  These are a few examples of the trauma that has shaped me.  I hate it.

I have worked so hard to overcome my patterns, and have been doing really well.  It’s so hard to rewire your brain though.  I have to catch myself everytime I am doing something that stems from that abuse, to break that particular pattern.  It’s exhausting, but necessary to live a healthy life.  I know it’s a slow process, but that’s what makes me so damn mad.  It is HIS fault that I have to do all this in the first place.  If he wouldn’t have abused me, and instead been the loving father he should have been, I might have grown up normal.

I hate him for what he turned me into, and making me work so hard to just BE.  I’ve realized that I never did forgive him, I just chose to ignore the fact that he was a piece of shit.  No more.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. butterflysblog
    Dec 23, 2009 @ 07:42:57

    Your father is disgusting, and you are beautiful. He tried to beat the light out of you, but your light shines so bright, he failed to extinguish it. On the day he kicked you out, it might have felt like you lost, but really you won. And you have won every day since. Every day that you are alive, it’s like telling these shitheads “I win, motherfuckers. I win.” And when one of us wins, we all win.

    Reply

  2. insaneheart09
    Dec 23, 2009 @ 10:26:16

    Thanks for your kind words. It helps me feel better.

    Reply

  3. Paula
    Feb 22, 2010 @ 07:55:59

    I came over from Ik, this month blog carnival. I can relate so very much to your feelings. my father died shortly after my birth and with 7 my mother delivered me to her second husband for abuse. With 9 she told me I was supposed to be an abortion. 15 years ago I worked through the abuse, however mother part and the abortion was buried so very deep inside me that I didnt figure it at this time. I recently went through 3 months Intense Trauma Therapy and I am so very grateful for it. It was the very first time where I cried for my lost childhood, the affection and appreciation never experienced and the first time I got ANGRY like you did. Till now I wasnt able to hold a friendship / intimate relation for long. However what I did stop doing is “if” – it is a waste of energy and the reality of mine sadly is different. I try to apply my new tools and wanna life the best life I can. I am thinking of you. Safe hug.

    Reply

  4. insaneheart09
    Feb 22, 2010 @ 08:03:30

    Thank you so much. It helps to know that other people have felt what I have felt.

    Reply

  5. Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
    Feb 23, 2010 @ 12:13:09

    It is ok and even understandable that you would be angry at your father. It is also ok to love him. That is where the confusion comes in.

    For many years, I felt such ambivilance toward my abuser father. It didn’t make sense to me at the time. I had memories of the incest happening from the age of 11-17. At 17 I said no and refused to be talked out of my decision. I had emotionally grown stronger than he was. I refused to be pressured into an incestuous relationship that I didn’t want. Before that I wasn’t strong enough in maturity to say no and not be coerced into changing my mind. I never wanted the incest to happen but because I loved my father, I allowed him to talk me into changing my mind. Not so at age 17. I was stronger than he was.

    When I left home at 19, my father came after me and tried talking me into coming back home. I said no. I wanted college and releif from the constant stress of living with him and keeping my guard up.

    For 10 years after I got married, I pretended that my family was normal and was loving the way they should have been. I gave myself headaches and almost developed an ulcer before I told my husband about the incest and finally let go of the pretending that everything was ok.

    My husband had trouble imagining that a father would do those kind of things to his daughter and he did believe me. I do know how you are feeling. It is ok to be angry, furious even. Love yourself enough to allow yourself to feel it all.

    Reply

    • insaneheart09
      Feb 23, 2010 @ 12:53:26

      Thank you so much for sharing. I can’t imagine how horrible that was for you. I feel much better now that I am allowing myself to be angry. It’s important. It’s also important to not let love cloud what he did, and for the longest time, I couldn’t do that.

      Reply

  6. Trackback: Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse « From Survivor to Thriver

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