Time to Take the Bull by the Horns

I was so depressed yesterday.  It was the culmination of so many things.  The weather, my family, my mother’s death, and the prospect of moving (possibly) in February.  I just felt numb and snapped at my husband for no reason.  I apologized right afterward, but I hate that I got to that point.  My MDD was really heavy, and I finally realized that I need to make some changes right now.

I have a horrible self image.  I smoke, I drink, I’m overweight and inactive, and I’ve had enough.  I know this all affects my depression, making it worse.  I want to be a happy and healthy person, and I know that I am the only one who can do this.  I can’t expect anyone else to kick me in the ass and make me get it done.  So I made a decision last night, and I am going to use every ounce of my willpower to see it through.

I will not buy another pack of cigarettes, I will not drink another beer.  I went grocery shopping yesterday, so I have zero reason to eat fast food at all.  I am going to look into the fitness program at the local sports medicine clinic.  It’s only $25/month for a membership and that is doable.  The people there can get me on a fitness regimen that I can fit into my life.

The time to take my life back starts right now.  All I want is to be happy and healthy and my horrible self-image is standing in my way.  I hate looking at myself in the mirror.  I see every flaw.  I hate having a fat ass.  I hate thinking my husband is lying to me every time he tells me how good I look (which is everyday).  I hate getting winded going up the stairs.  I hate my lack of energy.

I need to get my depression under control before it consumes me and these are the steps I have to take.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kate1975
    Dec 29, 2009 @ 00:45:58


    They sound like good steps. Good for you. I know it is hard to be gentle through this process, but I hope you can try to be gentle with yourself. Good and healing thoughts to you.



  2. insaneheart09
    Dec 29, 2009 @ 06:18:20

    Thanks so much. I’m going to need all the help I can get.


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