Healing at Work

I got my annual review at work today.  I was worried at first, like I always am, because I tend to overanalyze my work.  I hate thinking that anyone, especially my supervisor, finds anything wrong with the way I do things.  I have to say that my supervisor is great.  He’s only 4 or 5 years older than me, so we relate on a lot of issues.  The rest of the people on my team are older and more stiff in their ways.

We had a nice 45 minute conversation.  He basically told me that I am doing everything he expects of me, but that he sees the potential in me to become a “shining star” at the company.  He thinks that I am super bright and have the ability to look at all our processes and get rid of antiquated ways of doing things.  There’s some things he wants to implement and he needs my help to do it.  Others in the company are so set about doing things “the way they’ve always been done” that they won’t budge unless the person in the center of it (me) steps up.  He also told me that I need to start making more judgement calls on my own, instead of verifying everything with him or another team member.

I got to thinking about all this, and it’s going to force me to break some patterns stemming from my abuse to get it done.  I absolutely HATE rocking the boat in any way whatsoever.  Conflict scares the piss out of me.  I’m going to have to overcome that fear to get the changes implemented that he wants to.  It’s not going to be easy.  I also have a hard time making decisions on my own because I’m always terrified that it will be the wrong one.  TERRIFIED.  Every time I have to make a major decision, I sweat, my heart races and I get dangerously close to having a panic attack.  I don’t know how I’m going to work on that, but I have to.

He sees the potential in me and I can’t let him down.  He is giving me the opportunity to, as he put it…”make everyone else in this office look like fools”.  It made me feel good that he has so much confidence in me, I was really happy about that.  He’s giving me an opportunity to work on my inner self as well.  This will be a challenge, but it will be a healing experience as well.

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