Sexual Demons

I replied to a thread on enotalone about losing your virginity (when, emotional connection?, regrets?) and it got me thinking about things I wish I could forget.

I was raped at the age of 17 and lost my virginity at the same time.  I blocked it out for many years, trying to make it less than what it was in my mind.  I would tell myself that at least it’s over with.  I don’t have to worry about losing my virginity anymore.  I chocked it up to a bad sexual experience, albeit my first one.  Little did I realize the psychological impact it would have on me.

The fact is, it wasn’t sex, it was rape.  This man pushed me down on my stomach on a picnic table and raped me repeatedly.  I told him “no” more than once, but he wouldn’t relent.  I remember just closing my eyes and waiting for it to be over.  It hurt so bad, and I was bleeding afterwards.  He left me there on the picnic table, and I never saw him again.  It makes me ill thinking back on this, but I have to.  I, of course, never pressed charges.  I blocked it out for a long time.  It created a monster.

I basically became a slut after that.  I had a bunch of one-night stands, none of them fulfilling for me.  I think it was a combination of wanting the attention from men that my father didn’t give me and not caring about my body anymore.  I didn’t have any good feelings about sex, it was simply a means for men to like me.  I’ve never had a healthy view on sex.  It’s sad.

It got better with my husband, but it still isn’t the way it should be.  I just don’t think about sex at all, and I always dread it.  It’s completely psychological, I know that, but it irritates me.  I wish I could have a normal and healthy sex life.

I hate the man who raped me because he screwed my head up so bad.  Sex with my husband should be an expression of love.  I shouldn’t have flashbacks to the rape and following one-night stands.  It should be about me and him and enjoying each other.  I really have to work on it.  Physically, it IS enjoyable, but the mental connection isn’t there.  It’s overwhelming to think about.  This isn’t something I have really delved into before, but now I realize more than ever that I need to fix this.

Good lord, how?

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Life Experiences « From Survivor to Thriver

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