Fear of Change

I’m feeling ill today.  It’s an overwhelming feeling of uneasiness and uncomfortableness.  It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death today, and I’m doing fairly well with that.  I’ve been thinking about her and missing her a lot, but it’s not too much to handle.

I think I’m just out of sorts.  My heart has been palpitating a bit, not enough to worry, but enough to make me not like it.  My stomach has been on fire all morning, but that’s pretty normal.  I’ve had bowel problems since my daughter was born.  I think my problems are mostly emotional though.

I’m going through so many changes.  They are all good changes, but I’ve never done well with change and it’s hard.  I think maybe I took on too much at once, but I wanted to get a headstart on living a healthy life.  Quitting smoking and drinking at the same time.  It’s a good thing.  These are self-destructive behaviors and my New Year’s resolution was to stop all my self-destructive behaviors.  I think I’m just expecting the agony from quitting these things that have been such a part of my life for so long to be horrible.  I can’t think of it that way.  This is a great thing I’m doing and I’m not losing anything.  I’m gaining so much.

I just have to keep telling myself that it may suck in the short term, but it is so worth it.


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