Automaton

My depression is getting to me again today.  I feel so damn overwhelmed that I just want to give up.  I want to go home, crawl under my covers and disappear for a while.  I don’t know what is going on.  I just generally have a feeling of numbness and hopelessness.

I am having an increasingly hard time waking up in the morning and getting myself motivated for the day.  I feel almost like a machine on a programmed schedule.  I wake up, go to work, run errands after work, go to sleep, and do everything again the next day.  I know I have to do these things for the well-being of my family, so I do, but I find my life lacking of anything enjoyable.

I don’t have the energy to do anything.  I get home from work/errands and I can barely scrape myself off the chair for the rest of the night.  I feel myself getting short and irritable with my husband and daughter, and I don’t like that.  They are not the cause of my depression.

I wish I had some motivation.  I used to have so many hobbies that I just loved to do.  Crosstitching, Scrapbooking, Prophecy Study, Reading.  Now I do none of that.  The only time I pick up my book anymore is when I take a bath at night, and I haven’t done that in a while.

I just feel like nothing.  I am just trying to function through life to help support my family.  I almost wonder if I didn’t have the both of them, what would become of me.  I love them both deeply and I am obligated and responsible for helping them survive comfortably, but honestly, I don’t give two shits about myself.

I know it’s not healthy and I have to change it.  I’m the only one who can.  I’ll have to do some more research on how to control depression.  I won’t go back on prescription meds because they messed me up so badly the last time, but there has to be other measures out there I can take.  I can’t continue on like this.  I can’t pretend that I’m ok, when I’m not.  I should be enjoying this wonderful gift called “Life”, right?  Not just trudging along, doing what is expected of me, and that’s it.

This thing will kill me if I let it.  I have to take control, somehow.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. some people just hide in plain sight
    Jan 08, 2010 @ 17:18:17

    I hope you’re feeling better than the day you wrote this. I know what those really bad days are all about. Though it sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself—working all day, running errands, taking care of everybody—that’s a lot! If you feel like you have to crash out after all of that, it seems like you deserve to!

    I also wanted to ask you a question. You feel like meds you took before just messed everything up? I’m a little leery of taking meds myself, but started thinking about St. Johns Wort. I saw you mentioned it—do you like it? Does it seem to do the trick? A magic pill would be so great right about now.
    Thanks for your thoughts,
    M

    Reply

    • insaneheart09
      Jan 12, 2010 @ 16:23:54

      I like St. John’s Wort when I take it like I’m supposed to. It seems to at least help me keep my head above water. Prescription meds are something I won’t ever try again.

      Reply

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