Clarity

I must say that I am feeling damn good today.  I haven’t had a drop to drink in six days, and considering that I drank every night for about two years, I’d say that’s pretty awesome.  I am still having a hard time falling asleep at night, but a mild sleep-aid has been helping a lot.  I also quit the caffiene before bed.  I think my body is still transitioning.  It may take a bit before I get on a normal sleep pattern.

I was thinking last night about my alcoholism, and I realized that it was such a compulsion.  I used to make myself drink every night to the point that I knew I could fall asleep without my mind running.  I didn’t even think about it, and I wouldn’t think about NOT having a drink.  I was using it as a sedative.

I’ve never had a good time with sleep.  My mind is so chaotic.  It never seems to shut off without help.  When I’m lying in bed at night and it’s completely dark and quiet, I start thinking about all my worries.  I will go around and around in circles in my mind.  It’s torture.  It seems that it doesn’t matter how exhausted I am, I can still be awake for hours pondering my life, my traumas, my recovery, and everything else.  Bad memories show up at night and they won’t go away.  I KNOW that is why I started drinking so much.

I’m reminded of a bible passage:

Proverbs 31:7 – Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

I now know how friggin unhealthy I was living.  Trying to erase the horrid memories of my past and the pain of my present by drinking.  I don’t know how I thought I was ever going to heal and recover from my past this way.  I think this is why I felt like I was always moving one step forward, but two steps back.  I haven’t felt like I’ve made any headway regarding my mental health.

I’m really hoping that now that the alcohol is not clouding my mind, I will start being more proactive in my recovery.  I can now spend some time in the evening reading recovery books and journaling instead of sitting there in a haze for a few hours until I go to bed.  Maybe now I can confront these memories head on instead of shrinking from them.  I can’t believe I did it for so long.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

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