Trust No One

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past couple days about trust, or rather, the lack there of.  I have zero trust for anyone except my husband, and even with him it’s shotty at best.  The truth is that I’ve had so many people let me down in my young years that I just automatically think people are out to get me, or will purposely make me feel stupid.  I have it my head that if people are nice to me or show any kind of interest in me it’s because they have some kind of ulterior motive.

As you can imagine, I have led a pretty lonely life because of this.  I have no close friends.  I had a best friend for years in high school.  We were inseparable.  We did everything together, and then after high school, I pulled away from her.  Subconsciously, I think I expected it to end anyway from her end, so I protected my heart and broke contact with her.  It was so stupid of me, looking back on it.  We’ve been facebook friends for a couple years now, but I don’t talk to her at all.  She has a new life now, with new friends and is very happy.  She doesn’t need me.

I don’t spend any time with my extended family anymore, unless I need help from them or it’s a family get together.  I would rather stay home and be where no one can hurt me.  Be where I don’t have to pretend that these people actually care about me.

My husband is a mechanic in the factory where we both work.  I work in the office and keep to myself.  I don’t talk to the other office people unless I have to or unless they need something from me, and I’ve been pretty happy about that.  It keeps me out of the “office click”.  My job is rather important and I come down to a personal level with all the factory workers.

He has told me more than once…”You know, everyone in the factory loves you.  They think you are fantastic because you help them out when they need it and you are kind and friendly to everyone.”  I tell him he lies.  How sick is that?  I have noticed that at different functions we’ve gone to with people from work, the women seem to be genuinely interested in being around me and chatting with me, but I never take it to heart.  It’s almost as if I feel they are just placating me because we happen to be at the same place.  I put on a mask and just can’t wait to get the hell out of there.

I wish I did have some close friends, but I don’t even know how to go about it anymore.  I feel so out-of-place and uncomfortable.  I think this is one of the side effects of not drinking.  When I was out and drinking, I would be able to loosen up and talk to everyone.  I can’t do that anymore, so now instead of voluntarily making new connections with people, I will just shut down and stay home.

I need to break out of my comfort zone, but that in and of itself, is terrifying.  Put myself out there?  Seriously?  Face possible rejection?  Ya, I don’t think so, at least not yet.  I will continue to be social when I have to be, but I don’t see myself being in the right frame of mind to actively seek new friendships, as much as I would love to.  I can’t handle people being disappointed in me or not liking me for whatever reason.  It’s just easier for my state of mind to keep to myself and not let those things happen.

Realizing an unhealthy pattern in yourself is a good step, but now I can’t stop thinking about it.  I want to trust people, but I don’t feel like I can.  I guess it’s just something else I need to work on.

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