I woke up this morning in a great mood and ready to face the day.  It’s been 13 days since I’ve had a drop to drink, I’m eating healthier and I’ve even lost some weight.  Only about 5 pounds, but it’s good.  At least I am making progress.  I won’t get full-on into my routine until after the move as the house is a disaster zone right now.  One week to go before we move in for good.

I feel like I am finally making progress in the “life-change” department.  I finished reading Taking Back Our Lives, and it had a lot of good reflections in it about recovering and healing from abuse.  Things I need to keep in mind during this process, even when things get really hard.  I identified with a lot of things she was saying about patterns and traits that abuse survivors tend to have.  It put a lot into perspective and made me feel like I wasn’t so alone.

Now I am reading Am I Bad? which is quite a bit different from the other book in that it delves into the long-term effects of childhood abuse from real case studies.  He uses psychological theory to pinpoint the aftermath of abuse.  I’m sure it will help me understand myself more.  I am about 35 pages in and have read a lot about the different stages of childhood.  Your true-self changes and can even get lost depending on what stage of childhood you were in when you were abused and the length of time you were abused for.

I was abused and neglected from the time I was six until I was 17, so I’m a whole lot of messed up.  I try to think back to before I was six when my true-self was still there, and I remember a content, well-behaved, fun-loving child, but it seems like I’m looking back on a different person.  My true-self was lost amidst the abuse and neglect.  I hope to get it back one day.  I know that the person I am now is not the person I was supposed to turn into.  I should have been a happy and healthy child and in turn, a happy and healthy adult.

I’ll get there…it’s a long road.


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