Love Yourself

There’s no understanding the future without the present, and no understanding where we are now without a glance, a least, to where we have been – Joyce Maynard

A glance or an in-depth analysis…

That is what I am trying to achieve.  Over the past year and a half, I have really been delving into my psyche.  I want to understand why I am the way I am and recognize the unhealthy patterns that have formed my life.  I hadn’t realized up until I started this self-discovery just how much my past had affected my present, and how much my present will affect my future.

I don’t want to continue with the bad patterns.  I don’t want to feel scared and unable to trust anymore.  I don’t want to have these damn triggers anymore.  I don’t want to take part in self-destructive behavior anymore.  I don’t want to be a slave to my traumas.

I want to have a full life with lots of friends and wonderful times.  I know I can achieve this and I am well on my way.  I can’t let myself get discouraged though.  Sometimes it seems overwhelming to think about all the things I want to change.  I have so many unhealthy reactions to any number of circumstances that I have to be aware of.  I wish I had a sentinel, forever keeping watch over my interactions, ready to step in and tell me to stop doing what I’m doing.  Being ever-vigilant is tiring.  I have to stop myself from making bad decisions all the time.

I think the next step is going to have to be to work on my self-esteem and self-worth.  I have hated myself for the longest time.  Every part of me.  When you are abused, you start to think that there must be a reason that your abusers are calling you these things and saying these hateful things to you.  You start to believe that there is a good reason they are hurting you so badly.  There must be something wrong with me.  I don’t deserve to be treated well.

It’s so hard to break that line of thinking, but I must.

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