My Grief is Changing

I am in a strange place with my grief.  It’s strange, but good.  Before I started on this journey of coping with my mother’s death, I would get consumed with grief over my loss.  I would try like hell to keep her out of my mind, just so I could function.

My mother’s death was the threshold to a life of abuse, neglect and pain.  That’s what I would think about when I thought about her death.  If my mother had lived, I would be a happy, normal, healthy adult.  My grief was not just for her, but for my innocence lost at the same time.

I think I’ve turned that around.

I no longer think about her death that way.  I still think about the unfairness of it, and question my own abilities as a mother.  I still miss her everyday.  I still wish she were here.

She was the most amazing mother in the world, and I am lucky to have gotten to spend the time with her that I did.

I feel her now.  I feel her all around me, all the time and it is very warm and fuzzy.  I think of her now and smile.

I no longer think of the things I wish I could have changed before her death.  The time I disappointed her, the one time I told her that I hated her because I was mad,  the time I made her cry because I had cut my arm really bad doing something stupid.  There’s many more.  I’m sure I will still think of them from time to time because they are among the most vivid memories of my childhood, but I won’t continue to punish myself for them.

I have a long way to go, and I have just started a Healing Workbook because I still need to grasp how her death affected me as I grew up, and how it changed me as a person.  There’s still a lot of work to do, but it’s welcome work.

I believe my mother is smiling down on me.  She always did have a beautiful smile.

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