Life Experiences

Life experiences are what make us the people we are and the people we will become.  This has been the thought that follows me throughout my recovery and healing process.  My experiences, my traumas, my pain, has turned me into who I am, good and bad.

I think my motherloss has made me a better mother, even though I doubt myself everyday.  The only experience I had with mothering ended when I was 6 years old.  My daughter is now almost 8, so I’ve been winging it for about 2 years.  I will continue to wing it from this point on, but it also makes me hypervigilant about the decisions I make regarding her.  I do make mistakes from time to time, as we all do, but she loves me, so I’m doing something right.

My horrible fathering has led me to have “daddy issues”, and thankfully, it hasn’t affected me as much as thought it might.  I don’t compare my husband to my father, except when he gets angry about something.  That is not his fault, people get angry sometimes.  A man getting angry reverts me back to when I was a child and my father’s anger was mostly directed at me.  My husband’s anger is usually never directed at me, and he makes sure I understand that.  It still makes me uneasy, but I’m working on that.

My rape has left me with many sexual issues.  When your first sexual experience is through force and comes with pain and degradation, you have a hard time understanding that sex is a healthy and wonderful thing.

I am more sensitive to others sufferings, yet I have a hard time showing affection.  For a long time, I couldn’t even hug my daughter or give her a kiss.  Now I am able to show her affection everyday, and I love it, but it’s a hard process to branch out farther than her.

My traumas have made me a wholly different person than I would be without them.

I believe that people can and do change everyday.  If I didn’t believe that, I probably would have taken my own life long ago.  I am changing for the better everyday.  I am creating more life experiences in every step of this process.  There are hard times, but there are wonderful times.  The wonderful ones are becoming more and more frequent the more I learn about why I am the way I am.  The more bad patterns I break, the happier I am.

I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore.  My life experiences are my own.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I wouldn’t be who I am without them.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. wordsweneversaid
    Feb 16, 2010 @ 11:16:30

    *hug* (if that is okay)

    I just wanted to leave that for you and let you know that I was here reading this post.

    It seems (from what little I have read) that you are working towards (and have achieved in many ways) a very healthy and positive perspective toward both your blessings and your challenges.

    Good for you! (and the people who support you and care enough to allow you to continue to grow into the person you are meant to be)

    I wish all the best to you and your loved ones.

    Be well,
    M.L.

    Reply

    • insaneheart09
      Feb 16, 2010 @ 11:21:21

      Thank you so much :).

      Reply

      • shah
        Jan 28, 2011 @ 03:06:53

        I’m here from the carnival at http://margarettidwell.blogspot.com/
        to show support to all contributors.

        I understand your feelings regarding sexual responses. I’m totally disconnected to the girl who suffered… until my husband touches my polluted flesh. If only her and I could become one, perhaps I could show my love without the feeling of filth getting between us. But like you say, with time we change, we have to look forward and grow. Otherwise, they win.

        Thank you from shah at wordsinsync.blogspot.com.

      • insaneheart09
        Jan 28, 2011 @ 18:17:21

        Thank you. One of the reasons I make entries to the Carnival and read everyone else’s stories is because it’s then that I don’t feel so alone. I share some common issues with all of the survivors I’ve met. Fellow survivors know, they understand…because they’ve been there themselves.

  2. Trackback: Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse – 1/28/11 « From Survivor to Thriver
  3. Tracie
    Jan 29, 2011 @ 22:44:06

    I notice that when my husband gets angry (and not toward me, like you said) that I find myself retreating into myself and even though my logical mind knows that his anger has nothing to do with me, I seem to soak it all in, just as I did when I was a child and the anger was toward me. I’m still working on that.

    I love seeing the positives in your life here. The beautiful things, the strong things, the new things, the wonderful things….the healing.

    Thank you for sharing this with the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

    Reply

  4. Hope For Trauma
    Jan 31, 2011 @ 15:45:51

    Great post- I get the “not being able to hug people you love” thing I went almost 3 years without physical contact. Nonetheless, our life experiences do shape us and they do make us more compassionate caring individuals. Keep changing your life everyday 🙂
    -Hope

    Reply

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