I Need a Break

I haven’t written much lately because I’m kinda on overload.  Now that I am not preoccupied with moving, I find that I can slip back into my recovery process.  The problem is that I don’t know what to take on first.  I’ve barely scratched the surface, and there is so much to go through.

Do I focus on grieving and mourning my mother?  I’ve had so much progress, but it’s still a long road.  I’m still learning how her death has affected me throughout my life.

Do I focus on the emotional and physical abuse by my father?  This I have barely touched on, but it’s a scary prospect.  I have to face possible triggering memories, and come to terms with how much he altered my true-self.

Do I focus on the emotional abuse and neglect by my grandmother?  I haven’t touched on this at all besides acknowledging it.  My relationships with my family would be destroyed if I so much as mentioned in passing that she was abusive.

Do I focus on overcoming my rape?  I don’t even know where to begin here.  My view on sex is so skewed from this, and I need to overcome it.

I may be going about it all wrong, but I work better when I have a specific path I want to follow.  I understand that recovery is a lifelong process, but it can be overwhelming to be in this place.  I feel like Atlas, but instead of holding the weight of the world on my shoulders, it’s the weight of my personal trauma.

I often tell my husband that introspection is a curse.  I was oblivious to all of my traumas up until about 1 1/2 years ago.  I thought about what I had gone through, but I just told myself that I am a strong person.  I honestly didn’t think that the abuse affected me at all.  It wasn’t until I really started looking inward and questioning myself that I realized how screwed up I am.

I started analyzing every behavior, every feeling, and I haven’t been able to stop.  It’s like opening the floodgates.  It’s impossible to close them again.  My mind is constantly focused on my abuse and recovery.  Even when I can take my mind off it to do everyday things, and spend time with my family, it’s still there.

I’m always thinking about things I need to change and memories I need to heal from.

I just want a rest.  Just for a little while I would like the gates to close again.  I need to breathe.


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