Elusive Creature

I still can’t sleep.  It’s been almost two months now.  I finally called my doctor and she prescribed Ambien for me.  I will take it tonight for the first time, and with any luck, I’ll be able to sleep.

My anxiety is in full force lately, and I know it’s because I am not getting proper rest at night.  Or vice versa.  It’s a cycle.  I’m anxious because I can’t sleep, therefore I can’t sleep because I’m anxious.

Lack of sleep affects my whole life.  Everything is getting harder to deal with.  I can do my job, but it’s hard, and I lose my focus all the time.  I can force myself through my normal household duties, but then I am a zombie.  Usually by the end of the day I have an excruciating headache.  It’s affecting my relationship with my family because I don’t have the energy to do much of anything.  I get snappy too quickly and then immediately regret it.  My daughter has been a little trooper, and I try not to project.  It’s getting harder to hold back because it feels like my nerves are on fire.  I startle very easily lately too, and considering that is one of my triggers, it’s not a good thing.

I hate being in a daze all the time.  I used to be able to spend a couple hours a night on things I wanted to do.  Healing work, crafts, reading or watching a movie.  Now I sit in my chair for a couple hours, not really focusing on anything until I decide that I need to at least try to fall asleep.

I just want one night of good sleep.  One morning where I actually wake up feeling rested and ready for my day.  One evening where I have enough energy to do some of the things I love.

It really shouldn’t be such an impossible task.

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