Make it Stop

This week has not been good.  My anxiety is through the roof.

Work is all-consuming, and I can’t stand that.  I used to be so good at leaving work at work, but this week it’s been coming home with me.  I’m constantly worrying about loose ends and problems that need to be fixed.  There are things I can’t change by myself which makes it that much worse.  Everyone on my team is going through the same thing, so there is no help there.

I’m afraid to take my Ambien.  My daughter woke up the other night with stomach pain.  Apparently, she was calling for me, but I was unable to hear her.  Luckily, my husband woke up and helped her.  He is only here half the nights due to work though, so I need to be able to wake up for her if she needs me.  She is at a friends tonight, so I will be able to take it, but I fear I will look forward to many a sleepless night in the future.  I can’t allow myself to sleep too deeply when her and I are alone.

My waking thoughts are consumed with nothing but worry.  Work, finances, health (I am drinking again) and my daughter.  I even find myself worrying about some of the most stupid crap.  I mean ridiculous things like having a netflix movie too long (there’s no late fees for goodness sake!), or having a pen in my purse because I might need it to write something down.

I have to find a way to curb these thoughts.  It is so unhealthy for me, and I can almost feel a new wrinkle on my face everyday.  I am trying to read a book on meditation, but I can’t ever calm my mind down long enough to concentrate on what I’m reading.  I know the practice of meditation will help alleviate a lot of this worrying, but if I don’t learn how to do it correctly, it won’t do me a damn bit of good.  That means I need to focus on and absorb what I’m reading, and I just can’t.

I don’t want to concede.  I don’t want to give up and ask my doctor for an anti-anxiety med.  At this point, I just don’t know what to do.  Relaxing techniques don’t work because again, I need to concentrate.  I’ll keep going, keep trying, but it’s getting harder.  I’m exhausted all the time, and yet my thoughts are constantly racing.

I wish I could take a vacation from my mind.  It doesn’t like me much these days.

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