My husband told me the other night that I have come a long way in my healing process.  He says that he can tell the difference.  I was thankful for that statement, but then I started thinking.  A dangerous process, I know.

I wonder how far I’ve really come.  Do I seem better because I’m getting really good at putting on a front?  Am I a good actress?  I ask because I don’t feel much better.

Sure, I understand myself much better now.  I know what my bad patterns are.  I know what is mentally wrong with me.  I know the consequences of my trauma.  I know what I need to do to change.  I feel like I’m starting to change for the better.  BUT, I still feel like I’m insane.

I still get panicky at any sign of anger from anyone.  I still feel like I am going to throw up if someone is disappointed in me.  I still jump out of my skin when someone startles me, even in the slightest.  I’m still terrified to speak my mind for fear of repercussions.  I’m still sexually inept.  I find myself shaking sometimes when the burden of it all gets too much to bear.

My anxiety is through the roof and my depression isn’t going anywhere.

When I start feeling like this, I realize how much of a curse self-awareness can be if you don’t have the tools to properly deal with what you know about yourself.

Knowing what I need to change and not having the courage to do it is emotionally exhausting.  I’m so disappointed in myself, yet I’m terrified to make the leap.  I’m stuck in this hell of hyper-awareness.

I know it’s supposed to be slow, and I didn’t start this healing process much more than a year ago, but how do I reconcile that with my obsessive need to become mentally healthy?

How do I strike a balance?

How do I accept that I AM getting better, but I can’t expect to be perfect?

I get little snippets here and there.  My boss tells me that I’m much easier to read these days because I show my mood in my expressions.  That is huge progress.  I speak my mind more and more at work, and it shows.  I have to make a conscious effort though.

When I relax and stop thinking so much about halting my bad patterns before they happen, I find myself slipping into my old ways of being.  This causes more anxiety because I feel like a failure.  It’s a never-ending loop.

I’m trying not to be fatalistic here.  There’s a lot of good in my life.  I feel closer to my husband and daughter.  We’ve been spending more quality time together.  I have made some wonderful new friends, and I’m working on getting closer to them.  It’s hard because it’s so ingrained in me to keep people away.  I have a lovely home and 3 wonderful cats.  I’m getting back into my hobbies.

I guess I just need to cut myself some slack.


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