Monsters

My anxiety has been very high lately, yet again.  I feel like I talk about it a lot, but it’s bound to happen.  I can’t handle it well at all.  This, in turn, lets my depression back in at full-force.

Work seems to be going a bit better, although my workload is getting more intense.  Sometimes that overwhelms me and makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.  I actually had it out to my boss about a co-worker last week that was very empowering.  I refuse to be treated poorly, and I put my foot down.  Now my relationship with said co-worker is better than ever.  Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.  But I have such a workload that I feel like I can’t get it all done.

Last weekend was my daughter’s birthday party, and that really surpassed what I can normally handle with my anxiety.  The organizing and execution were very stressful.  Putting a bunch of kids on top of that is pure insanity.  Everything went off without a hitch though, and my daughter really felt special, so it was worth it.

My finances are pretty much in the toilet at the moment, so I need to think of lots of ways to save money.  I know we will be fine, we always are, but financial issues ALWAYS make me crazy.  There’s always something else to pay for.  It’s the main reason I can’t sleep at night.

My husband started a new business, and although the prospects look really good, there will be no profit for at least 6 months.  It’s something he’s really passionate about, so I hope things progress well.  It’s more work for me.  I will be taking care of all the financials, so that is added stress.  I don’t mind doing it for him, I love accounting, but it’s like adding a boulder on top of the stress pile.

There are so many things roaming around in my head right now that I’ve completely lost focus of my recovery journey.  There’s just no time.  I have to change that.  My recovery is very important to me.  I’ve gotten so far and I can’t let my progress slip away.  I can feel myself falling back into old patterns that I had a grip on at one time.  I’m starting my self-destructive behaviors again.  I’m starting to become numb again.

I need to get a hold of myself.  I need to move forward, not backward.  I can’t let my anxiety and depression become monsters again.  I can’t let my problems affect my family.

I can’t give up.

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