Sobriety, again.

Here I go again.  I am starting my second attempt to become sober.  Man, it sucks being an alcholic.  Being a slave to something makes me feel lower than low.  It’s like a drug.  It makes the promise to keep you numb and help you forget about your troubles for a time so you can get to sleep.  It makes life a bit easier, for very short periods of time.

Then you wake up the next day, feeling like ass and wondering why the hell you keep doing this to yourself.  Then the next night comes and your mind is spinning out of control with worry, pain, and fear.  You KNOW that a few beers will make those go away and you will be able to sleep.

It’s a vicious cycle.

For the time being, I am going to have to rely on my Ambien to sleep.  I am going to have to keep myself busy in the evenings, and keep the beer out of the house.  Luckily, my husband is on board.  I just hope I can keep it up.  I need my willpower to be stronger than it’s ever been.

I need to address my anxiety head-on because ultimately, it is the reason I keep faltering.  My past traumas, guilt, pain and excessive worrying are pulling me under, and the alcohol does nothing but make my mind calm down for a time.  It does nothing to help me resolve my issues.  I have to work on those intensively, and while I’m sober.

I am back on the wagon.  This time, with any luck, for good.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. JR Owens
    May 11, 2010 @ 13:29:28

    I wish you the best. I understand anxiety all too well; I have lived with it most of my life. I used recreational drugs to take me away from it all at one time, but somehow I moved away from that.
    Then, about four years ago, when life seemed to be going so well, I was diagnosed with Leukemia. It was not an aggressive form, but I knew in my mind it would eventually kill me, so I blocked it out. I played the denial game for about two years. When I finally went back to see the hematologist my white blood count had more than doubled, and now I’m looking at chemotherapy in the next few months. I used ambien to sleep, valium to calm my anxiety, but none of that really works because it does not address the problem.
    I have finally learned to cope with the disease I have and I am reading about it, asking questions and getting involved. I feel better now because I feel like I have some control.
    You control nothing as long as you are allowing something else control you.

    Reply

  2. Comically Inept
    May 11, 2010 @ 13:50:11

    Thanks for posting this. Your description of the “vicious cycle” helped remind me why I’m not going to drink today. And if I can make it, so can you. I’ve added you to my reading list and am looking forward to your posts.

    Reply

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