Devotional Journal Part 2

Continuing on from yesterday’s post…

What this journal is showing me is amazing.  I’ve been in this pit of depression and despair for a long, long time.  I have been good at not showing it to the outside world so much, but it’s there and all around me.  If often feels oppressing, and sometimes I feel like the darkness is consuming me.  I find myself numb sometimes, to life in general, when the hopelessness rears it’s ugly head.

The pit is not a good place to be.  It’s lonely, it’s dark and it’s small.

What this journal has made me realize already, is that it is my choice to either stay in this pit, or to take God up on His offer to help me out of it.  It’s helped me recognize my patterns, behaviors and mindsets that are formed in the pit and have kept me here all these years.

It’s a very simple concept…climbing out of your pit of depression and despair.  It’s much harder to actually follow through with doing it.  You first need to understand how you got there.

The death of my mother.  The constant childhood abuse from my father.  The abandonment by my father.  The neglect from my grandmother.  The rape.  All of these things helped push me into the pit.  Little by little they corroded me until I felt comfortable in the pit.  I felt like I deserved to be there.  I could never actively think of the future in a good way because I knew where I was spending it.

All of my decisions made to help me get out of the pit have been in vain because I never truly understood why I was there.  Now, I am starting to figure out, with the help of this journal, why I had given up.  Now I know why I stayed in the pit.  Now I have hope that I will get out of it.

This journal and God will help me out of my depression and despair.  I just have to let them.  I have to step out of my comfort zone.

Now, instead of fearing it, I am embracing it.  I am going to leave this pit behind.  I am going to change a core part of my being, and it would be a bit scary if I didn’t know God was holding my hand through it.

It’s comforting.

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