Father Loss (X2)

I had a dream about my father last night.  It was one of those where upon finding out that it was just a dream, made me sick to my stomach.  It was rather vivid.

I dreamt that he called me.  He apologized for everything that he had done to me.  He wanted to be back in my life again.  He told me that he had struggled for many years over what he had done, and finally wanted to make things right.  He wanted to be my father again.

I was elated.  I remember being with him, in person, in the dream.  I remember him being a good father.  I remember him holding my daughter.

And then I woke up.  I was so saddened and disappointed.  I was mostly angry with myself.  It felt like taking a huge leap backwards in my healing process.  I had finally come to terms with the fact that my father doesn’t give a shit about me, and I thought I had let it go.  I thought I had finally realized that I don’t need him.  I thought I had finally stopped caring.

Now, knowing psychology like I do, I realize that this came about because I am facing the very real possibility that I will lose the only father figure left in my life.  My uncle is still in critical condition, and he may not make it.

I’m not as ok with it as I thought.  Even though this scenario was anticipated, I still don’t want to lose him.  I still need him in my life.  I need a father figure.

Why, you might ask?  That’s one I am still trying to figure out.  Every child needs a father figure, but I am a 30-year-old woman.  I should be fine without one.  The truth is that I am “fine” without one, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t “need” one.  It’s a longing that I can’t seem to reconcile.

My own father is still out there somewhere, and that hurts.  He is still out there, this man who was supposed to always be there for me.  This man was supposed to take care of me.  I should be able to call him and ask him for advice or help.  I should be able to visit with him.

These things will never happen.  He is scum.  He is evil.  He is not worth my mental energy.

I’m not as over it as I thought I was, and in turn, the possibility of losing the man who tried to take his place is heartbreaking.

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