Loving Me…

Self-destructive – Tending to do harm to one-self.

It’s a very simple definition, yet it is so damaging.  I am the queen of self-destructive behaviors.  It’s an impulsion to mask what I am feeling at the time.

I drink even though I know it is unhealthy because it helps me sleep and deal with stress.  Bullshit.

I don’t eat healthy because it’s too hard.  Bullshit.

I don’t exercise for the same reason.  Bullshit.

The reason I continue to do these things is because I have so little self-worth, and zero willpower.  Why should I try to become healthier?  I have never been deserving of a good long life, so why not just keep screwing it up?  When I get the slightest inclination to actively make a good change, I shoot it down at the first hurdle, and never even start.  It’s too hard to make changes.  I’ve gotten too comfortable the way I am.

But have I really?

No, I have not.  I hate myself.  Every second of the day, I think about how fat I am and how other people must look at me.  I think about how worthless I am for not changing for the better.  I think about every wrinkle and grey hair I have.  I think about how exhausted I am.  I think about how things would be so much better if I buckle down and make the changes I need to.  I think all of these things EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY.

Yes, I am self-destructive.  It’s getting worse before it’s getting better.  I can’t keep living like this.  I can’t live in this cycle of self-hatred and negative choices.

I feel like such a failure.

There is one thing that I do not understand.  I have an incredible phobia about people being disappointed in me.  It makes me feel things that I don’t like.  I will bring myself almost to tears if someone is disappointed in me, and I will do whatever I have to do to fix it.

I am my harshest critic, so why can’t I do anything to fix my personal disappointment in myself?  Why do I, instead, keep perpetuating the disappointment until I want to just give up?  I think it’s rather simple.  The people I disappoint are worthy of their emotion.  I don’t want them to think poorly of me.  I want them to like me, or love me, depending on who it is.

I can’t think that way about myself.  It’s too alien a thought.  I am disappointed in myself every second of the day, yet I think I deserve to feel that emotion every second of the day.  That’s how little my self-worth is.

I guess I need to start researching how to deal with this mess.  I know the concept of loving yourself, but I have no idea how to actually go about it.  The simple phrase, “you have to accept who you are, and that you are special” doesn’t mean anything to me.  It’s too foreign a concept.

God help me.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Comically Inept
    Jun 13, 2010 @ 07:41:36

    Hi IH09: Thanks for being honest. The interwebs can feel like a very lonely place, but I’m still hanging with you. Have a good Sunday.

    Reply

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