Welcome Spirit

I have never been one to be family oriented because I was always the outsider.  With my mother passing away when I was so young and my father abandoning me, I did not have an immediate familial unit within the larger extended family.  My maternal grandmother had 12 children, so I have many aunts, uncles and cousins who I love, but I never felt like I truly belonged.  They were all very supportive of me and always helped me in times of need, but I still always felt this way.  My uncle who passed was an exception because he has always treated me like another daughter.  He went above and beyond.

I have felt the need to be close to my family since his passing.  I don’t want to have any more regrets.

My aunt came over last night, like she has many times since my uncle passed (this is his sister, they were very close), and spent time with my husband and I.  We started telling stories about my uncle and talked about him most of the night.  My husband was also very close to him, and loved him like another father.  He has been so stoic through all of this because he knows how hard it has been for me.  Inside he has been hurting too.  I forget this sometimes because he’s so good at masking his feelings for my sake.

Anyway, we were talking about my uncle for a long time, laughing often.  We talked about his last days in the hospital.  We talked about how my other aunt (his wife) is not doing very well.  She is, of course, heartbroken.  We talked about the unfairness of it all.  We talked about still being able to feel him.

It was very healing for all of us, I think.  Grieving is a hard process, and if you can share it with other people, it makes it a little easier.  Just knowing you are not alone is priceless.

Last night I dreamt of him.  It was a very vivid dream, and one I won’t soon forget.  He had gotten out of the hospital, but was diagnosed with some terminal disease.  I remember him taking all of his medication because he just wanted to get his death over with, but he wouldn’t die.  I remember pleading with him to stop, but he didn’t want to prolong all of our suffering.  By the end of the dream, he had not died yet.  It was like the medication didn’t work, and he was still here. 

I woke up very confused and upset for a moment, and then I remembered that he is actually gone.  That’s been the hardest part of the grieving process so far.  I can’t seem to fully grasp that he is really, truly gone.  I won’t see him again.  I won’t be able to talk to him again.  I won’t hear his voice again.  It feels like he is still here, just out of my plane of vision.

I know in time I will have to force myself to accept that he is gone, but for right now, it’s comforting to still feel him.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Comically Inept
    Jul 17, 2010 @ 12:20:24

    Hey, it’s been awhile since your last post. How are you holding up?


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