Sleep…You Bastard

I haven’t updated in quite awhile here, but that is because I have taken a break from my recovery process.  I finished my devotional journal a few weeks ago, and it put me in a really good place.  I’m still riding the high from that.  My depression is almost non-existant lately, and that is a beautiful thing.

It helps that it is also summertime, and there have been lots of wonderful things to do, and vacation days from work.  My anxiety has been doing very well, so I am able to read books again.  I’m able to lose myself in them again instead of re-reading the same sentence over and over again because my worries are overtaking my mind.  I’ve got a long reading list to catch up on.

My problem today is sleep.  Sleep has become my enemy, my bane.  Sleep and I have never had a good relationship.  It’s a love-hate kind of deal.  I’ve written many times on my anxiety affecting my ability to sleep, but now I’m starting to wonder if I have a deeper sleep disorder.

I dread sleep.  I always have bad dreams, and never wake up feeling rested.  Lately, I have tried cutting out caffeine in the evening and taking a sleeping pill (very mild), but I still unconsciously make myself stay up later than I should.  It’s almost a fear of going to sleep.

I’m not sure what the problem is, but I don’t like it.  I know it’s not my anxiety because I my mind isn’t racing when I lay down to sleep.  It’s not constantly running in circles like it used to.  I will lie in bed at night and there will be nothing going on in my head.  It’s like a black canvas just waiting for sleep to be painted on it.  Once it finally does come, I have upsetting dreams.  Not nightmares, but unpleasant enough that I wake up feeling nauseous or disturbed.

I should welcome sleep and enjoy it, but I don’t.  I hope this is something I can figure out soon because I am getting increasingly exhausted and lethargic.

I don’t know if there is a cure for unpleasant dreams, but I will do some research to see if I can find something to help me.  I can’t have these continue if I’m going to keep my sanity.


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