Bad Things Happen in Threes

I feel the steam coming out of my ears.  Yes, I have hit a recovery roadblock.  I have three huge problems that I need to fix, and instead of figuring out where to start, I’m just staring at all of them blankly.

Lack of Self-Confidence

Fear of Intimacy

Codependency

Not having any self-confidence is like having this little beast on your shoulder at all times.  It whispers in your ear every time you think you might be able to do something, and tells you that you can’t.  You immediately believe the little beast because you knew you wouldn’t be able to do it anyway, and frankly, how dare you even try.

This is the reason why I can’t ever make decisions beyond what I have been doing on a daily basis anyway.  This is the reason why I can’t pick up the damn phone to find a therapist.  This is the reason why I can’t follow through on any diet or exercise plan.  This is the reason that I can’t ever stand up for myself.  This is the reason why I’m not recovering.

I can’t do it.

That is what has been ingrained in me since I was young.  I was “a worthless little pea-brain” to my father, and even at that tender age, I knew what it meant.  Logically, I know that it’s not true, but I still feel that way most times.  It feels safer to stay stagnant because I know that I can do what I’ve already done.

Continuing to live my life the way I have been is not an option anymore.  I am increasingly unhappy with myself.  Every second of every day, I berate myself for not making the changes that I want to make.  I set myself up for failure before I even make the right decision.

If I decide that today I am going to eat healthy, I will sabotage myself by eating something unhealthy for lunch after eating a good breakfast.  If I decide that I am going to call the gym today to set up an appointment for a tour and program assignment, I’ll tell myself that I don’t have time, and don’t follow through.

If I am put on the spot to make a decision, I will actually freeze.  It’s too much for me.  Even something simple like what to make for dinner is an agonizing decision for me.  What if my family doesn’t want that for dinner?  Then it’s the wrong decision, and that’s a paralyzing thought.  I am so terrified that I will make the wrong decision, and someone will think that I really am that “worthless little pea-brain” that I’ve been called before.

There are so many circular conditions that are traced back to my abuse, and it all makes my head hurt.  I know I need a therapist to help me sort through it all, and put me on the right path to healing.

God, please grant me the strength to pick up that phone.

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