Here We Go Again…

As high as I’ve been for the past month is as low as I am today.  I should have prepared myself for the inevitability of my depression spike, but I was happy.  I was happy and blissful until the new year.

Once the new year hit, my state of mind plummeted at an alarming rate.  Now I am fighting back tears, and really hating my existence.

The holiday season is over.  My football team is done for the season.  The 25th anniversary of my mother’s death is tomorrow.  So many bummers all at once.  I was actually angry yesterday as I was taking down the Christmas decorations, and had to stop myself from being snappy with my daughter.  Luckily, I’ve learned to hold onto my mood for her sake.

I am finding myself irritable and angry.  Every little thing that doesn’t go my way has the potential to set me off.  I have been doing well to stay in check, and I hope it continues.  I took some St. John’s Wort to elevate my mood, but I’ve felt no difference yet.  It’s probably one of those things that you have to take consistently for awhile before it helps at all.

I got a Kindle for Christmas (an e-book reader), and have found that all I want to do is read.  This normally is a great thing, but I think I’m reading in excess, to try and forget about the circumstances that lead me to this bout of depression.  I’ve read 4 books in a matter of days.

I’ve been evaluating and focusing on all the things I hate about myself…a normal activity when I’m depressed, but it sure isn’t helping me feel any better.  Focusing on your failures will plummet you even further down the rabbit hole.  There are so many changes I want to make, but my current state of mind won’t let me.  I’ve been telling myself that there is no point.  That’s my self-destructive tendencies sneaking up on me again.

I don’t know how long this will last, but I pray it’s not too long.  I will do my damnedest to turn this around.  Feeling like this is one of the worst things in the world, and I don’t like it.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. curepornaddiction
    Jan 03, 2011 @ 10:05:32

    Hi Insaneheart09,

    I had the same thing happen to me over the weekend.

    I got totally depressed. The depression was intense.
    My wife asked me, “What’s wrong?”

    I said, “I didn’t feel well.”

    She retorts, “Physically or mentally?”

    That hurt.

    I lost my mother when I was only 18.
    I still feel the pain.

    Hey, I’ll keep you in thoughts and prayers.
    By the way, YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER.
    I can tell by how well you write and make your point.

    Thank you for your post.

    Dale
    http://emptydaily.com/devotionals

    Reply

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