Sad Anniversary

I have a heavy heart today.  My depression has eased up the slightest bit, and that is welcome relief.  My heart aches with the loss I suffered 25 years ago today.  My precious mother.

Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows how much I have suffered from her loss.

I’ve learned a lot from this lifelong struggle.  I’ll never stop missing her.  I’ll never stop feeling the pain of not having her in my life.  She was taken from me at such a young age, and I’m reminded of it everyday.  Every time something happens (good or bad) with my daughter, I wish she were here to give me advice or get excited for her.  I want the bond that an adult woman has with her mother.  I have the mother-daughter bond with my own daughter, but I still yearn for my mother.

I am a motherless daughter.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have cursed God for taking her from me.  I have cursed him many times.  I have finally gotten to a place where I don’t blame Him anymore.  I’m not mad at Him anymore.  I’m still sad though, and I still cry sometimes.  After being told by my family for years to “get over it” because it happened so long ago, I didn’t grieve.  I really wasn’t allowed to.  Now I still grieve.  25 years later, I still grieve for the largest loss of my life thus far.

It makes me sad that my daughter will never know her.  It makes me sad that I can’t share my life with her.  It makes me sad that she’s not here to encourage me and lift me up.  It makes me sad that we can’t share our faith.  It makes me sad to think of the possibilities my life could have been had she lived.

That’s where I stop myself.  The “what-if”s used to make me crazy.  I would daydream about having a wonderful childhood where I felt nothing but love, safety and security.  The simple fact is though, that God won’t give you anything you can’t handle.  I have to admit that everything I’ve been through has been a learning experience.  Sure, I’m kinda crazy, and I have a lot of issues that constantly need dealing with, but these experiences helped shaped me into the woman I am today.  Not to mention that I might never have met my husband or had my beautiful daughter if I hadn’t been on this path.  I’m right where I should be, and I no longer wonder what my life might have been.

God called my mother home early.  That’s okay.  I’m okay, though I do miss her.

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