The Neverending Story

I’m imploding.

I thought my depression was backing off, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  I’ve been going through a lot at work and home, and now my emotions are all out of whack.  I have to force myself to not break down in tears almost every minute of the day.  I’ve been having back problems as well, which just adds fuel to the fire.

I just feel hopeless, helpless and lost.  I feel like I’m back at square one, and have been pointing out all my maladaptive patterns to myself for days now.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I’ll never be the person I want to be.  I feel like enough is enough.  I feel so tired.

Waking up everyday is a struggle.  Doing what I have to do everyday is an even bigger struggle when all I want to do is stay in bed all day.  I want to sleep, or at the very least, crawl into bed and read.  Nothing else is appealing to me.

Last week, I had great plans.  I got a free month membership to Curves, and I went out and bought everything I needed to start working out at the gym.  I’d also been eating healthier for a bit, and then my depression really kicked in.  My self-defeatist attitude is a real menace.  It’s like I’m expecting to fail, so I’m making sure that I don’t have the energy or the perseverance to even try.  Why do I do this to myself?

I know why I do this, and it really sucks.

It’s been talked about to death, but it’s because it is so true.  My abuse has led to hatred of myself.  I don’t think I’m worthy of anything, and my self-esteem is non-existent.  I don’t deserve to be happy.  Logically, I know this is untrue, but how do you get out of that mindset when you spent your formative years believing that to your core?

I feel guilty whenever I buy something for just myself.  I feel guilty whenever I think about spending time doing something that I want to do.  I don’t understand why I get praise from anyone.  I feel guilty whenever anyone pays attention to me.

Good lord this needs to stop.  I need a therapist.  I’m so tired of feeling this way about myself, but can’t seem to break free from it.  I want to be happy and healthy, at least most of the time.  I want to do things for myself that make me feel good because I believe that I’m worth it.

How the hell do I get there?

 

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