No Control/No Sanity

Have you ever gotten to the point where you are fully aware of your mental disorder and realize how bad it really is?

I’ve always been aware that I have a lot of anxiety, in fact, I have generalized anxiety disorder, but I always thought I was handling it fine.  “I’m a normal human being and I don’t have to let this control my life,” is what I always thought.  This should be true, but I’ve come to the understanding now that I cannot control this on my own.  It’s taken over my life in a huge way.  I have a mental disorder.  I have others, but this one is in complete control of my mind.

I see the bad patterns and tendencies that I have when it comes to anxiety, and I feel powerless to stop it.  I’ve been trying to get it under control for about two years now, and all I’ve done is become hyper-aware of it.  I then, in turn, get more anxious because I feel like such a failure in attempting to control it.

I am anxious every second of the day, nonstop.  Constant worrying, constant fear, sometimes even terror.  Mortality has been my biggest issue lately.  I lie in bed at night after checking on my daughter for the third time, worrying that she will somehow die in her sleep.  I made a hair appointment (only because I had a gift certificate that was about to expire), and all I could think about until we had to make the trip was that I was  going to kill my daughter and I in a car accident.  I’ve been worrying about my husband at work, and I have no reason too.  I worry about my daughter every second she is away from me, even when she’s just in her bedroom and the door is closed.  If it’s quiet for too long, this fear rises in me and I have to check on her.  Every time she is fine.

Those are the big ones that make me really feel my disorder.  I know it’s not normal to behave this way.  There is an immeasurable amount of smaller worries, and things that should never even hit the worry radar that are making me go insane, little by little.  I fret over EVERYTHING I say to people, analyzing it all for stupidity.  I’m so worried that I will sound dumb to someone.  Right now, I’m worried about a work project that I just finished.  I triple-checked everything, but I’m worried that I might have missed something, even though it would be far from a catastrophe if I did.

It’s hard to really express how horrible this is for me, how horrible it has been for awhile now.  I really hate living like this.  I’m not comfortable in my own skin, and especially not my mind.  I expect that people judge me every time they look at me, and I hate that I am me.  Sometimes I wonder why God even gave me an existence, or this existence in particular.  It’s not fun to be me right now.  It’s not fun to be a slave to a mental disorder.  I feel so utterly out of control of my thoughts.

I think a call to my doctor is in order.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kate1975
    Mar 09, 2011 @ 17:08:29

    Yes.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Reply

  2. Trackback: No Control- No Sanity… « PurpleHearts4Butterflies's Blog
  3. wordsweneversaid
    Aug 26, 2011 @ 06:34:22

    *small nod*

    I have felt everything you just described (it was much worse when my own daughter was very small and before I understood that my ‘anxiety’ was more than just being a little nervous…it was out of control)

    You can recover (that you need to know) but yes – the Doctor will be able to offer ways to help you do so faster and with the proper support (prescriptions aren’t always the ‘cure all’ but with counseling and peer support they can help you break through comfort routines and ritual behavior if that is how you have been coping)

    All the best to you – I am sending healing thoughts and a use anytime *hug*

    Sincerely,
    M.L.

    Reply

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