Connections

*****WARNING – POSSIBLY TRIGGERING*****

 

Since my last post, I have actually recovered a memory.  I guess writing about that particular anxiety sparked some introspection into why I have that specific anxiety.

Shortly before my father abandoned me, we lived in Alabama.  My dad was stationed at Fort Rucker, and we lived in Ozark.  I was 8 years old.  I remember my father forcing my sister and I to stay outside for hours at a time.  We weren’t allowed to come in the house.  The backyard was nice.  Fenced in, and it had honeysuckle plants that I remember sucking on.  They were very sweet, I remember.

I also remember being so terrified of my father that I didn’t dare ask him if I could come in the house to use the restroom.  I vividly remember wearing a pair of light blue shorts and darker blue tank top.  I ended up urinating because I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I remember being in agony for a long time, just trying to hold it in.  I remember feeling really ashamed after it happened.  I also remember my father beating me severely because of it.

I’ve been thinking about this memory a lot, and it makes sense that I still have a fear that I’m going to lose bladder control.  I was beaten for it once, and that’s all it takes to create a mental disturbance.  My father beat me all the time, over little things, things that weren’t even my fault, or just because.  I’m actually glad that I recovered this memory.  I’m not overly upset by it, and it’s put some puzzle pieces together for me.

Now that I know where this specific anxiety comes from, I may be able to change it or even remove it completely.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 10:48:52

    How horrible for you to be in so much fear and then to feel ashamed of something you couldn’t control. Thanks for leaving your comment on my blog earier today.

    Reply

  2. kate1975
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 17:39:17

    I’m so sorry this happened. It makes sense that your fear is attached to a specific memory. I would think just having the fear of being outside, unsupervised, with no access to the house, and having to try to hold it in would be reasons enough for your fear. Adding the threat of physical violence, a history of violence towards you over minor things, and a being physically abused afterwards, well that is a lot of fear and terror. I’m so sorry. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Reply

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