It’s Been a Long Time

I was surprised when I logged on that it had been so long since my last post.  Time flies when you’re having fun?  I don’t think that’s it.  I think that I’ve moved into a stage of my life that is a bit aggravating.

I haven’t journalled in a long time.  I haven’t built my faith in God.  I haven’t been doing any self work.  I’ve been medicated, which is a great thing because I’m better for everyone else.  I just don’t feel that I’ve been doing myself any justice.

I do not have panic attacks very often anymore, thanks to 60mg per day of Celexa, but I still keep my Ativan close by.  I need it about once a week.  Life still makes me crazy sometimes.

I moved into a new position at work that keeps my very busy, and sometimes very stressed out.  Luckily, I work very closely with my new boss and he knows my issues and understands when I need to chill out for a minute or two.  He doesn’t give me anything I can’t handle, and I work hard for him.  I feel very accomplished at the end of the day, but I also feel utterly exhausted.

My insomnia seems to be my ever present bane.  It’s only gotten worse and now I don’t ever get a restful night of sleep.  On the occasions when I’m so exhausted that I can fall asleep right away, I’m so behind in my sleep that I wake up just as tired as when I went to bed.  I’ve tried every remedy I can think of, and I just have no luck in the sleep department.

I had to quit seeing my therapist because I could no longer afford to see her.  She is great, but alas, cannot work for free.  Self therapy is so hard to do when you are exhausted all the time.  My brain can’t focus on much outside of work.  I keep getting told that my workload will get better and soon I will not be stretched so far, but we’ll see.

All these things are causing my depression to creep back up again, and I’m trying like hell to keep it at bay.  I can’t afford to not get out of bed in the morning.

Ok, that’s all the whining I will do today.  I won’t be gone long because I know that my blog helps me, even when I can’t tell right at the moment.

Suffer the Little Children

Admittedly, I am very judgmental.  Of myself, and of others.  I find myself even  more judgmental when it comes to selfish parents.  It’s good to be a bit selfish when it comes to some things, but NOT when it comes to parenting.  I am ashamed to admit that in the past, I have done this, but I learned from my mistakes.  That probably makes me a harsher critic.  Disrupting your children’s lives because of your own selfishness is one of the worst things I can imagine.  

I can be harsh.  I disowned my cousin a few years ago because she abandoned her two children to run off with some dude.  She has tried to make nice with me, but she still doesn’t give a damn about her two kids, so frankly, I can’t give a damn about her.  The kids were forced to leave behind everything they know to go and live with their father in another country.  All because their mother wanted a man who didn’t want them.  Thank God their father stepped up to the plate.

I’m also talking about those women out there who have their exes by the balls when it comes to the children.  I know of many men who are basically on a leash because they want to be in their child’s life, but the mothers are vindictive and selfish.  I hear of many cases of men not having the visitation they seek with their children.  Yet, the women keep going after them for more and more money and less and less control over the raising of the children.  They are almost helpless because we live in a society where mother is God in the eyes of the law.  It’s almost impossible for men to get a fair shake when the women set their minds to it.  It’s rather sad.

I’m also talking about the single mothers that leave their children with anyone who will watch them (despite what they know about the circumstances the children will be in), to go out and party and be whores every night of the week.  Meanwhile, the children aren’t a priority so who knows what the hell is happening to them at their “babysitter”.

I’m also talking about the men and women who have affairs outside of their marriages.  They steal away every moment they can spare to be with the other woman or other man instead of spending that time with their children.  Not to mention the devastation it can cause once the affair is found out.  I’ve known of people who have had their father’s mistress become their step-mother, and still resent them both years later.  I’ve also known of people who had multiple affairs during a marriage and the children recreate the same scenario in their own adult relationships.

I am so sick and tired of hearing about and seeing these situations where the children are an afterthought.  I can’t fathom the selfishness that so many people seem to have.  They try to justify what they do, but it all comes down to one simple fact:  You do have control over what you do.  You have the power to make the lives of your children happy and healthy ones.  You have the power to stop yourself from making a life-changing mistake.  You have the power to do the right thing.

Our children are so important.  Once you make the decision to have children, or are put in a situation where you will be having a child (whether you are ready or not), you have to step up to the plate.  Life is no longer all about you.  Life is now about caring for this being that YOU brought onto the planet.  Our jobs as parents are to raise our children well, to nurture them and keep them safe.

They are not a tool to be used.  They are not an inconvenience.  They are not an afterthought. 

They are an extension of us.  They are amazing, wonderful creatures, and they deserve the best of what we can offer them.  They deserve love, comfort and stability.

They deserve to have good parents.

Puritanical Hyprocrites

I’m so tired of Christian hypocrites.  It really just chaps my ass. 

I don’t like to talk about religion on my blog simply because it can be off-putting to people, and really, my faith is my own.  BUT I can’t handle people who give Christians a bad name.

There are so many people out there who claim to be a wonderful Christian who is so pure that they are staying a virgin until they are married…yet they will do EVERYTHING else besides vaginal penetration.

Really?  Is that staying pure?  Is staying pure being able to fondle, give/take oral sex, and (I’ve actually heard this), give/take anal sex???  All because you are not penetrating the vagina?  Give me a friggin break.

Don’t claim a vow of purity until marriage if you are like this, please.  You’re not fooling anyone and you look like an ass.

I am not an advocate for staying a virgin until marriage, even though I am a Christian.  I believe that sex is too important a part in a marriage to not know what you are getting before going in.  It would be horrible to find out you are not compatible with your husband after you already said I do.  I know this goes against normal Christian belief, but I’m a realist as well as a Christian.

Practice what you preach…I’m just saying.