I’m Still Here

I haven’t posted in more than a month now, and I don’t want people worried about me, so this is a quick update.

I hurt my right hand not long after my last blog post.  I haven’t been able to write for any amount of time before it swells up and I’m in pain, and typing is almost as bad.  I’ve been avoiding it in an attempt to heal.

I have been on my new anti-anxiety meds for over a month now, and I can certainly tell the difference.  I’m calmer overall, and can react in a normal way to stressful situations.  I am on 20mg of Celexa, which I take once per day, and .5mg of Ativan that I take when I am extra anxious.  I’ve been noticing that I need to take at least one Ativan per day.  I’m definitely thankful for the relief.  I have a doctor’s appointment next week, and we’ll see if she’ll keep me on my regimen or if she’ll change anything.

I think I would be even less anxious if I were able to write in my personal journal.  For the past few years, I’ve kept a handwritten journal that I write in most nights, curled up in my comfy chair.  Since I’ve hurt my hand, I haven’t been able to write at all, and that is very disheartening.  I’m trying to be extra careful with my hand so it will heal faster.  I need to be able to write, so I can purge my thoughts and clear my head.  I don’t know where to go with my anger, frustration, etc.

I will end this post now, as my hand is hurting again.  I just wanted to check in.  I have been keeping up with the blogs I read, and hopefully soon I will be able to join you all again.

New Theme

I chose a new theme for my blog because quite frankly, my old theme was depressing me.  Hopefully this will cheer me up a bit.

Listen to Your Body

It’s been a hell of a week, let me tell you.  I’m getting ahead of myself, let me back up a bit.

Thanksgiving was a lot of good fun.  It was a full day, and we had dinner with good friends.  I’m really proud of myself that I am getting so close to this couple.  I’m really opening up to them, and it feels really good.  I haven’t had any close friends in years, so this is a huge deal for me.  Befriending this couple has opened the doors to meeting some other great people, and we have a blast when we’re all together.  The women have been bonding a lot, and I just love it.  One of the maladaptive patterns of my abuse was keeping people away from me because I can’t trust.  This group has shown over and over again that they are trustworthy, and it’s an incredible feeling.  I wasn’t ever sure that I would have true friends again, and this is a sure sign that I am healing from my abuse nicely.  It makes me giddy.

Last Saturday we put up our Christmas tree.  I absolutely love the Christmas season, so I was anxious to get started.  We even bought a nice new fake tree, pre-lit (bonus!).  About 5 or so that night, I started getting one hell of a sore throat.  I never imagined that it would get as bad as it did.

Sunday was spent preparing a Mexican feast to enjoy with the same couple that we had Thanksgiving with.  It turned out really wonderful, and we had a great time.  BUT, I kept feeling worse and worse.  By Monday morning, I was full on sick.  Sore throat, sinus issues, stuffed-up head, headaches…the works.  Unfortunately, it was a hellacious week of work, and it was stressing me out on top of it.  I wasn’t getting enough rest, and my cold continued to get worse.  I woke up yesterday morning more miserable than I have ever been in my life.  I even cried, I was so sick.

My husband convinced me to go into work long enough to get what I absolutely HAD to done, and then come home, so I did just that.  I took a nice nap, and that helped a ton.  Last night and today, I feel loads better.  I’m still sick, but the cold is gradually leaving.

So the moral of this story is, you MUST get rest when you are sick and don’t push yourself too much.  Your body will retaliate…with a vengeance.

Lonesome

I’m feeling lonely tonight.  Hubby is working until tomorrow morning and my daughter is at a friends house for the night.  I have all my cleaning and laundry done, so now I have all this free time, and I’m not sure what to do with it.

I couldn’t find any  good “insane” movies to stream on netflix, but I did watch Mr. Frost, which is pretty good.

It would be a great opportunity for me to do some introspection and healing work while I’m here alone, but I find myself feeling unsafe and on edge when I do that without my hubby here.  He’s the only person in my life who I feel completely safe with, and he is very open to new revelations and memories that I come across when I’m doing my healing work.

I don’t like delving into the dark recesses of my soul without some support close by.  It can get ugly.  My hubby wasn’t there when I had a breakthrough about my mother.  I had to call him because I felt so vulnerable, and it scared me.  Breakthroughs are wonderful things, but they leave you in a state of rawness.  I could have a breakthrough at any second during my healing exercises.

Maybe I’ll pick up the Necroscope book I’m reading or play some mindless game on Facebook.  At least I know I’ll feel safe.

Feeling at Home

I’ve had such a productive weekend.  The old apartment is finally cleaned.  I never have to step foot in there again.  It took forever, but it’s done!  It’s been hanging over my head ever since we moved, but the weight has been lifted.  It feels awesome.  Now I can really settle into the new place and just focus on finishing the set-up and really getting comfortable.

I say it a lot, but I just love it here.  Never before have I been able to throw in a load of laundry and then go sit on the couch with my daughter and watch a movie.  Our Sundays were spent at the laundromat.  The dishes would pile up because I had no energy to do them every night.  Now I simply rinse the dishes and throw them in the dishwasher.  Once it’s full, I let her rip.  Cleaning up this apartment is a breeze and actually something I enjoy.

I love sitting down at the end of the evening with a clean house.  It doesn’t take much.  I love, love, love it.  My soul feels warm and fuzzy here.  I feel like I’m at home.

That’s something I haven’t felt in a long, long time.

Life Happens

My aunt is doing better by the minute.  They still aren’t sure if her kidneys are working or not.  She will be on constant dialysis for 4-5 more days and then they will wean her off.  Hopefully she will not need it, but if she has to be on dialysis for the rest of her life, so be it.  At least she’s alive.

I’m still very upset about the entire situation and I know that something needs to be done.  I just don’t know what.  It’s a pretty helpless feeling.  The people who are paid to care for her pooched BIG TIME.  I don’t know if there’s really anything we can do to stop it from happening again though.  These people get paid, but they don’t have any supervision to make sure that they are watching as close as they should be.  At the very least, I think they should all be reprimanded.  You can’t mess with people’s lives.

Aside from being really tired from the stress and lack of sleep, things are going well overall.  I am still in the process of getting the house put together and it’s coming along great.  I really love the apartment.

I need to get back into my healing and recovery work though.  I’m missing it for sure.  Life has been pretty complicated lately, but I need to take a step back and concentrate on myself for awhile.  I hope I get to do that soon.

Innocent Souls Don’t Deserve This

Today has not been a good day so far.  I’m giving this one to myself.  I got a call at 1:30 am that my aunt is in the hospital and they called all the family in because it didn’t look good.  This aunt is the only one who has never disappointed me and has always been so gentle and kind.  She is an innocent soul.  She was born with cerebral palsy and has had many health problems over the years.  No matter what has happened to her, she’s always been sweet and wonderful.

Apparently, she had the flu for a few days with vomiting and diarrhea.  She’s on a plethora of medication and two of them are diuretics that her doctor did not stop.  This, of course, left her severely dehydrated.  She also developed a urinary tract infection which went undetected for days and turned septic.  Her kidneys shut down.

At one point last night, the doctor said that she had about 10 minutes to live.  She was so dehydrated that her veins kept popping every time they tried to do an IV.  Finally, they were able to get a central line and an arterial line in her so that they could start constant dialysis.  Her system is so full of bacteria and so dehydrated that they are trying to flush her system.  At this moment, she is still fighting, but it looks grim.

She is such a sweet soul and doesn’t deserve this.  She has the mentality of a 5 year old child, so when she is able to open her eyes for a moment, she has the most terrified look on her face.  You can’t explain to her what is happening, she just knows it’s not good.  I was able to see her for a few minutes.  I held her hand and spoke to her.  She looked into my eyes and seemed calm.

She’s been through so much in her life and through it all she has been wonderfully sweet and gentle.  It makes me so angry.  She lives in an apartment by herself with caregivers there 24 hours a day.  Why did they not see what was happening?  How could her doctor be so incompetent?  They are paid to watch and care for her.  She can’t express herself like a normal human being, and I imagine she was in agony for awhile before anyone noticed.

Now, she is fighting for her life when this could have all been prevented.  I sit here waiting for a phone call with news either way.  Please keep her in your prayers.

Packing, Packing and More Packing…

I was feeling pretty good today, until my husband and I talked about finding a new home for one of our cats.  She’s the only female and hasn’t had a good time adjusting to life with the two new boys we introduced.  She is so loving and sweet and my daughter just loves her, but I don’t know what else to do.  I hope we can find her a good home because I loathe to take her to the pound.  I don’t think I could live with myself.

Otherwise, I am in a much better place about moving.  The apartment is just so beautiful and I will have so many more conveniences that I never dreamed of.  Packing and actually moving is suckish, but it will all be worth it.  Just another week of this mess and we’ll be all moved.  I’m actually almost excited about it.  Things will be so much more smooth for all of us, and I know we will be happier.

Tonight and this weekend will be spent packing away and hopefully getting the bulk of it done.  I have to just kick myself in the ass and get moving.  I keep wanting to put it off, but I can’t.  There is so much stuff that I can’t even believe it.  Hubby will be helping me with the majority of it, so it will get done quicker.  My hope is that by the end of the weekend, everything will be packed and ready to move except what we need for the week.

My anxiety is getting to me a bit, but I just have to hang in there.  It will all be over soon.

A song to get me motivated:

Moving Blues

Wow, it was a long weekend, but too short as well.  We did a ton of packing.  My daughter spend the night with friends both Friday and Saturday night, which made it easier for us to get a lot done.  She came home yesterday and, bless her heart, tried to start packing her bedroom.  She ended up making a bigger mess than it was before.  She was trying really hard and getting frustrated, so I let her relax for the rest of the day.

I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and I have to force myself to get a handle on it.  When things get too stressful, I find myself pulling inward and becoming numb to everything around me.  I zone out to the world until I decompress.  Right now would be the absolute worst time to do that.  I only have two weeks to get the house in order for moving.

We still have so much packing to do.  My husband is helping a lot, but we have so much junk.  There’s so much stuff to go through and throw away.  I have to do at least a little bit each night after work, along with all my normal duties.  There’s only one weekend left between now and moving day.  I can feel the depression and stress working on me.

Moving is a hard task for anyone who is mentally stable, but for someone like me who thrives on routine, it’s torture.  My world is being flipped upside down and I have to somehow pretend that everything is ok.  I know, logically, that it is ok, and this is all for the best, but I just want to curl up in a hole and pretend it isn’t happening.  Just let it all be over.  Let us be in our new apartment with everything in place right now.

I have to take it easy on me.  I tend to be too hard on myself when I don’t get as much done as I had intentioned.  Instead I will praise myself for getting the things done that I have.  I think things will be a lot smoother if I’m acknowledging my accomplishments rather than focusing on the things I didn’t get done.

It won’t be easy, but if I’m going to make it through this, I have to try.

Ghosts

I woke up this morning without having anything pressing to do.  I picked up the house last night and swept the floors and the house is in pretty good shape.  Our Christmas Eve festivities don’t start until this evening, so it’s been a pretty relaxing morning.

There’s a Ghost Hunters Marathon on Scyfy and my daughter and I have been watching it.  I’ve always been so interested in this show.  I’m not sure what I believe, as I’ve never had a personal experience, but I’d like to think that spirits live on.  I like Ghost Hunters as opposed to other shows of this type because they go in there wanting to debunk what could be paranormal.  They try to find any and all logical explanations for the “phenomena” going on.  Some of these other shows will take every little noise or odd light they see as paranormal and that’s just silly.  It makes for good drama, but nothing else.  The Ghost Hunters have found lots of things that they couldn’t debunk, and I must admit, I find it fascinating.

I’ve often heard people tell of being able to sense a loved one who has passed on, and I think this is why I’ve been so interested in the possibility.  I would love nothing more than my mother to make some kind of contact with me.  Show me that she is still with me, in some form.  I’ve never felt anything.  The only time I feel close to my mother is when I am actively seeking out memories of her, and that is just nostalgia, not anything more than that.

Maybe my mother just didn’t have any unfinished business here, and felt no reason to stay or visit.  Maybe she is in heaven living a blessed life.  Maybe I won’t ever see or feel her again until I make it there.  It’s definitely something I think about fairly often.  I do hope that she looks down and watches her granddaughter grow up.  She would have loved her to pieces.