It’s Been a Long Time

I was surprised when I logged on that it had been so long since my last post.  Time flies when you’re having fun?  I don’t think that’s it.  I think that I’ve moved into a stage of my life that is a bit aggravating.

I haven’t journalled in a long time.  I haven’t built my faith in God.  I haven’t been doing any self work.  I’ve been medicated, which is a great thing because I’m better for everyone else.  I just don’t feel that I’ve been doing myself any justice.

I do not have panic attacks very often anymore, thanks to 60mg per day of Celexa, but I still keep my Ativan close by.  I need it about once a week.  Life still makes me crazy sometimes.

I moved into a new position at work that keeps my very busy, and sometimes very stressed out.  Luckily, I work very closely with my new boss and he knows my issues and understands when I need to chill out for a minute or two.  He doesn’t give me anything I can’t handle, and I work hard for him.  I feel very accomplished at the end of the day, but I also feel utterly exhausted.

My insomnia seems to be my ever present bane.  It’s only gotten worse and now I don’t ever get a restful night of sleep.  On the occasions when I’m so exhausted that I can fall asleep right away, I’m so behind in my sleep that I wake up just as tired as when I went to bed.  I’ve tried every remedy I can think of, and I just have no luck in the sleep department.

I had to quit seeing my therapist because I could no longer afford to see her.  She is great, but alas, cannot work for free.  Self therapy is so hard to do when you are exhausted all the time.  My brain can’t focus on much outside of work.  I keep getting told that my workload will get better and soon I will not be stretched so far, but we’ll see.

All these things are causing my depression to creep back up again, and I’m trying like hell to keep it at bay.  I can’t afford to not get out of bed in the morning.

Ok, that’s all the whining I will do today.  I won’t be gone long because I know that my blog helps me, even when I can’t tell right at the moment.