Wisdom Quote

“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.”

–Robert Gary Lee

Grief Quote

“Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind”

–Marcel Proust

Health Quote

“He who has health, has hope. And he who has hope, has everything.”

–Arab Proverb

Working On It…

I’m so discouraged today.  I know…what’s new, right?

Through some encouragement from some online friends, I drug myself to Curves last night.  I wanted to get signed up and take a tour.  I really, really want to start exercising, but I’ve never joined a gym before, so I have a lot of questions.  Well, they were closed.  It was so frustrating.  It took so much energy and encouragement just to go there.  I’ve never taken that step before when it comes to my health.  It was my own fault for not checking their hours, but that doesn’t make me feel any less disheartened.

I am determined not to give up though.  I’ve changed my eating habits a lot already.  I’m on a very, very low-fat diet to help regulate my digestive tract.  I have Gastric Dumping Syndrome, which means that most of the food I eat hits my small intestine with little to no digestion.  A low-fat diet is supposed to really help alleviate this problem, and honestly, losing weight on top of it is just a bonus.  This syndrome causes me pain all the time, and frankly, I’d like to be able to eat out from time to time.  It’s really embarrassing and disheartening that I can’t ever eat too far from a restroom.

I’m making good healthy lifestyle changes.  I’m even working on cutting down my caffeine intake, and hopefully I can cut it out completely before too long.  I don’t want to be dependent on anything.  I’m tired of substances having control over my life.

This brings me to alcohol.  I have cut down, but I’m still drinking a couple beers in the evening to help me sleep.  My doctor prescribed Trazodone to help me sleep, but I guess I don’t trust it.  I know beer works to calm my nerves and allow me to sleep…eventually.  The trazodone does as well, but I feel hung over the next day after taking them.  With beer, I don’t.  I know I need to stop drinking altogether, even if it’s not much.  It’s not conducive to weight loss, and I’m relying on them as a sedative.  It would be fantastic if I could fall asleep without an aid, but I just can’t.  I tried and failed for too long, and I don’t want to anymore.  When you’re an insomniac, you finally get to a point where you will do just about anything to get a good nights sleep.  Nothing else matters.  I need to keep taking the trazodone, and let it work.  Maybe once I’m used to it, I won’t feel hung over every morning.

So here I am…still depressed as hell.  I’m not real hopeful about much right now, but I’m not going to stop trying to get healthier.  I don’t have a choice anymore.  If I don’t actively try to make my life better, it’s not going to happen.

Self-Reflection Quote

“The greatest magnifying glasses in the world are a man’s own eyes when they look upon his own person”

Alexander Pope

Forgiveness Quote

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”

–Thomas S. Szasz

It’s Good

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I posted.  I’m in a good place in my life right now, for the most part.

I’m still struggling with sleep.  I take a sleeping pill every evening, but lately my body has decided that I need to be awake at 4:30 am every morning.  I can’t figure out why.  I’m still going to sleep at the same time, but yet I wake up early.  Hopefully this is short-lived, and I won’t have to deal with it much longer.

I am still working on Beth Moore’s bible study, Breaking Free.  I’m on week 9 now, with only one more after this.  It’s really helping me deal with a lot of the baggage that I still carry from my trauma, and I feel closer to God with every study.  I don’t feel so alone anymore.  There’s still a lot to tackle, and I will always be on this journey, but I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore.

I can handle anything, I just have to have patience.  I also have to be gentle with myself.  That was one of the hardest obstacles to overcome.  I would get so frustrated when I reacted badly to a situation or I wasn’t as far along in my healing as I wanted to be.  I was way too hard on myself.  I’ve gotten past that, and can now take every victory for what it is.  I can let every set-back go without mentally tearing myself apart.

The fact that I have survived this long and continue to get healthier and healthier is amazing and something to be celebrated.

There are some things that I will be working on in the very near future, and it will be a struggle for me.

I have to work on my intimacy issues, and will be contacting a therapist soon for help in this area.  After struggling with it for some time, I have conceded that I can’t fix this one by myself.  No amount of research and studying about it seems to change anything.  Some Cognitive Behavior Therapy may be in order.

I am on a mission to completely change my diet.  I had my gall bladder removed more than 8 years ago, and constantly suffer from abdominal pain, bloating and other symptoms that I don’t care to disgust you with.  I’ve been doing some research, and have found that a minimal fat diet might help me.  I’m going to make this change to hopefully curtail some of these symptoms.  I’m tired of my bowels being my enemy.

I’ll keep my progress in all areas updated here.  This is my space to record becoming a happier, healthier person, and I find it’s very important.

 

Strength Quote

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

–August Wilson

Self-Confidence Quote

“Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person.”

–Unknown

Motivational Quote

“Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.”

– M. Scott Peck, M.D.