I have never been a good sleeper. I can’t sleep unless there is complete darkness and zero noise. I also wake to the slightest of sounds and the smallest of light. I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of things. Motherhood has definitely lightened my sleep. I think the majority of it comes from my abuse.
My father was in the army, and a lot of nights he would come home after I was in bed. Depending on what my step-mother would tell him about what I did during the day, he would storm into my room and wake me out of a dead sleep to beat me and degrade me. I can’t remember how many times he did this, but it became quite frequent towards the end.
Humans are very adaptable creatures and I started to become aware when he was coming towards my bedroom door. I’d be able to wake up before he got to me. It didn’t make any difference when it came to the abuse, but he wasn’t able to startle me anymore. That was important, I guess, and it’s followed me into my adulthood. I absolutely loathe being startled, it’s a trigger.
Anyway, so I am the worst sleeper that way. I wake up multiple times during the night. I can even wake up to my cell phone on vibrate while it’s across the room on my dresser. I don’t think that it is something I can fix, at least not anytime soon. This is another thing that has started up again since I stopped drinking. Drinking every night made me sleep deeper, and I wouldn’t wake up nearly as much.
It has been one month today that I haven’t had a drop. Last night I really noticed how light my sleep is without the alcohol. I leave the light above the kitchen sink on so if my daughter wakes up to use the bathroom, she has some sort of light. It’s far enough away from my bedroom door that I don’t see it. The bathroom light stays off because that is about halfway down the hallway to my room and I can see the light, just barely. I wouldn’t ever be able to fall asleep.
It was about 12:30 am and I woke up. The bathroom light was on. I got up, walked down the hall and shut it off. I figured my daughter forgot to shut it off. It happened again two more times during the night. I thought I was starting to go crazy. The child never wakes up that much during the night.
In the morning while I was waking her up, I asked her if she got up to go potty during the night. She told me no. I told her that the light had been left on. Then the little stinker smiled a bit and said “The cats must’ve done it!”
Then she confessed that yes, she drank too much before bed and had to get up to go potty a lot during the night. I love her little sense of humor. She thought the look on my face was quite hysterical when she told me the cats had probably turned the light on.
I am so glad that the only time she wakes up during the night is because her body is telling her it needs to.
From Survivor to Thriver 