Self-Discovery Quote

Only by much searching and mining are gold and diamonds obtained, and man can find every truth connected with his being if he will dig deep into the mine of his soul.

–James Allen

Life Experiences

Life experiences are what make us the people we are and the people we will become.  This has been the thought that follows me throughout my recovery and healing process.  My experiences, my traumas, my pain, has turned me into who I am, good and bad.

I think my motherloss has made me a better mother, even though I doubt myself everyday.  The only experience I had with mothering ended when I was 6 years old.  My daughter is now almost 8, so I’ve been winging it for about 2 years.  I will continue to wing it from this point on, but it also makes me hypervigilant about the decisions I make regarding her.  I do make mistakes from time to time, as we all do, but she loves me, so I’m doing something right.

My horrible fathering has led me to have “daddy issues”, and thankfully, it hasn’t affected me as much as thought it might.  I don’t compare my husband to my father, except when he gets angry about something.  That is not his fault, people get angry sometimes.  A man getting angry reverts me back to when I was a child and my father’s anger was mostly directed at me.  My husband’s anger is usually never directed at me, and he makes sure I understand that.  It still makes me uneasy, but I’m working on that.

My rape has left me with many sexual issues.  When your first sexual experience is through force and comes with pain and degradation, you have a hard time understanding that sex is a healthy and wonderful thing.

I am more sensitive to others sufferings, yet I have a hard time showing affection.  For a long time, I couldn’t even hug my daughter or give her a kiss.  Now I am able to show her affection everyday, and I love it, but it’s a hard process to branch out farther than her.

My traumas have made me a wholly different person than I would be without them.

I believe that people can and do change everyday.  If I didn’t believe that, I probably would have taken my own life long ago.  I am changing for the better everyday.  I am creating more life experiences in every step of this process.  There are hard times, but there are wonderful times.  The wonderful ones are becoming more and more frequent the more I learn about why I am the way I am.  The more bad patterns I break, the happier I am.

I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore.  My life experiences are my own.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I wouldn’t be who I am without them.