Patience

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow – that is patience.” –Unknown

I’m feeling great today.  Moving day is tomorrow.  I’m so excited to get into the new house that I can’t even stand it.  The worst of it is over and tonight is just picking up the odds and ends and getting the things together that we can’t move until last.  My daughter is all set for fun and games at my aunt’s, so she will be entertained while we get all this crap done.  I’m so giddy now that I can barely stand to be at work.  I just want to get on it, and get this done. 

This has been a long road for me.  The stress of moving is something that I wasn’t sure I would get through.  There’s so much involved, and my life felt like it was falling apart around me.  It’s starting to come together now, and it’s great.  I could have given up and retreated within myself, but that wouldn’t have done anybody any good. 

Patience is a great virtue and one I never had.  I’ve learned a valuable lesson through all this.  Patience is wonderful, and can keep you sane.  I could have given up and retreated within myself, but that wouldn’t have done anybody any good.  There were so many times that I wanted to do just that, but I forced myself to push through.  I kept telling myself that it won’t last forever and I will get through this.  As hard as it was sometimes, it worked.  I made it through without falling apart.

Tomorrow is the day, and here I am, excited and happy and content.

Moving Day Approaches

Well, it’s only two days now until Moving Day.  We will hopefully have everything moved by the afternoon on Saturday.  My hubby and his friend have already moved so much.  They take a load over every night before work, and that has been a great help.  Tonight I have to finish packing up the kitchen.  Tomorrow night I will be getting all the big stuff ready for moving on Saturday morning. 

My daughter is staying the night with my aunt tomorrow, which will be so nice.  She’s such a good girl, but I’d rather her not be in the middle of all the commotion while we are moving.  The cats will be in the new place Saturday evening.  I’m curious as to how they are going to do.  We bought them a cat tower to reduce the scratching on the carpet, and they’ve never had one before.  It will be very amusing.

Sunday will be spent getting the new apartment in order well enough for us to be comfortable.  I must say that I hate unpacking a little less than I hate packing.  The worst is done.

I’m so looking forward to Sunday.

Feeling Sorry for Myself

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down — Anonymous

I’ve heard this quote a lot, and I like it.  I feel so alone sometimes.  I have no real friends, my family is useless and my co-workers don’t give a damn.  I do it to myself though.  You can only keep yourself in your shell for so long before you start to feel lonely and unloved.

It’s Almost Over…

My stress level is very low today, which also means my anxiety level is low.  Yay for me.

I got so much packing done this weekend.  I was thouroughly impressed with myself.  The only thing really left to pack up is the bathroom and part of the kitchen.  The kitchen is hubby’s job, so I don’t have to worry myself with that.  Hubby has lined up a truck and trailer with his friend for this weekend to get everything moved.  I thought we’d have to rent a U-haul, so this is another worry off my mind.

There is so much to think about though.  I put in our change of address form this morning, and I have to make a list of everyone I need to call to change our address with.  I also just found out that open enrollment for my daughter’s school starts next week too, so I have to fill out the forms for that.  She loves her school, but we are moving to a different district.  I want to keep her there if I can.

I’m getting more excited as the days go by.  We went to the new apartment on Saturday to check it out again, and so I could get a better look at where things are, how big the closets are and such.  It is so nice.  I can’t wait to do my first load of laundry and my first load of dishes.  It sounds silly to be so excited about these things, but having gone without a dishwasher, washer and dryer for so long, it makes me giddy to have them again.

I should have an easy week at work, which I really need.  I didn’t get any time to really relax this weekend because of all the packing and I didn’t sleep very well.  I’ve been so worried about everything.  Very soon, this will all be over.

True-Self

I woke up this morning in a great mood and ready to face the day.  It’s been 13 days since I’ve had a drop to drink, I’m eating healthier and I’ve even lost some weight.  Only about 5 pounds, but it’s good.  At least I am making progress.  I won’t get full-on into my routine until after the move as the house is a disaster zone right now.  One week to go before we move in for good.

I feel like I am finally making progress in the “life-change” department.  I finished reading Taking Back Our Lives, and it had a lot of good reflections in it about recovering and healing from abuse.  Things I need to keep in mind during this process, even when things get really hard.  I identified with a lot of things she was saying about patterns and traits that abuse survivors tend to have.  It put a lot into perspective and made me feel like I wasn’t so alone.

Now I am reading Am I Bad? which is quite a bit different from the other book in that it delves into the long-term effects of childhood abuse from real case studies.  He uses psychological theory to pinpoint the aftermath of abuse.  I’m sure it will help me understand myself more.  I am about 35 pages in and have read a lot about the different stages of childhood.  Your true-self changes and can even get lost depending on what stage of childhood you were in when you were abused and the length of time you were abused for.

I was abused and neglected from the time I was six until I was 17, so I’m a whole lot of messed up.  I try to think back to before I was six when my true-self was still there, and I remember a content, well-behaved, fun-loving child, but it seems like I’m looking back on a different person.  My true-self was lost amidst the abuse and neglect.  I hope to get it back one day.  I know that the person I am now is not the person I was supposed to turn into.  I should have been a happy and healthy child and in turn, a happy and healthy adult.

I’ll get there…it’s a long road.

Packing, Packing and More Packing…

I was feeling pretty good today, until my husband and I talked about finding a new home for one of our cats.  She’s the only female and hasn’t had a good time adjusting to life with the two new boys we introduced.  She is so loving and sweet and my daughter just loves her, but I don’t know what else to do.  I hope we can find her a good home because I loathe to take her to the pound.  I don’t think I could live with myself.

Otherwise, I am in a much better place about moving.  The apartment is just so beautiful and I will have so many more conveniences that I never dreamed of.  Packing and actually moving is suckish, but it will all be worth it.  Just another week of this mess and we’ll be all moved.  I’m actually almost excited about it.  Things will be so much more smooth for all of us, and I know we will be happier.

Tonight and this weekend will be spent packing away and hopefully getting the bulk of it done.  I have to just kick myself in the ass and get moving.  I keep wanting to put it off, but I can’t.  There is so much stuff that I can’t even believe it.  Hubby will be helping me with the majority of it, so it will get done quicker.  My hope is that by the end of the weekend, everything will be packed and ready to move except what we need for the week.

My anxiety is getting to me a bit, but I just have to hang in there.  It will all be over soon.

A song to get me motivated:

Trust Quote

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”

— Walter Anderson

Trust No One

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past couple days about trust, or rather, the lack there of.  I have zero trust for anyone except my husband, and even with him it’s shotty at best.  The truth is that I’ve had so many people let me down in my young years that I just automatically think people are out to get me, or will purposely make me feel stupid.  I have it my head that if people are nice to me or show any kind of interest in me it’s because they have some kind of ulterior motive.

As you can imagine, I have led a pretty lonely life because of this.  I have no close friends.  I had a best friend for years in high school.  We were inseparable.  We did everything together, and then after high school, I pulled away from her.  Subconsciously, I think I expected it to end anyway from her end, so I protected my heart and broke contact with her.  It was so stupid of me, looking back on it.  We’ve been facebook friends for a couple years now, but I don’t talk to her at all.  She has a new life now, with new friends and is very happy.  She doesn’t need me.

I don’t spend any time with my extended family anymore, unless I need help from them or it’s a family get together.  I would rather stay home and be where no one can hurt me.  Be where I don’t have to pretend that these people actually care about me.

My husband is a mechanic in the factory where we both work.  I work in the office and keep to myself.  I don’t talk to the other office people unless I have to or unless they need something from me, and I’ve been pretty happy about that.  It keeps me out of the “office click”.  My job is rather important and I come down to a personal level with all the factory workers.

He has told me more than once…”You know, everyone in the factory loves you.  They think you are fantastic because you help them out when they need it and you are kind and friendly to everyone.”  I tell him he lies.  How sick is that?  I have noticed that at different functions we’ve gone to with people from work, the women seem to be genuinely interested in being around me and chatting with me, but I never take it to heart.  It’s almost as if I feel they are just placating me because we happen to be at the same place.  I put on a mask and just can’t wait to get the hell out of there.

I wish I did have some close friends, but I don’t even know how to go about it anymore.  I feel so out-of-place and uncomfortable.  I think this is one of the side effects of not drinking.  When I was out and drinking, I would be able to loosen up and talk to everyone.  I can’t do that anymore, so now instead of voluntarily making new connections with people, I will just shut down and stay home.

I need to break out of my comfort zone, but that in and of itself, is terrifying.  Put myself out there?  Seriously?  Face possible rejection?  Ya, I don’t think so, at least not yet.  I will continue to be social when I have to be, but I don’t see myself being in the right frame of mind to actively seek new friendships, as much as I would love to.  I can’t handle people being disappointed in me or not liking me for whatever reason.  It’s just easier for my state of mind to keep to myself and not let those things happen.

Realizing an unhealthy pattern in yourself is a good step, but now I can’t stop thinking about it.  I want to trust people, but I don’t feel like I can.  I guess it’s just something else I need to work on.

Moving Blues

Wow, it was a long weekend, but too short as well.  We did a ton of packing.  My daughter spend the night with friends both Friday and Saturday night, which made it easier for us to get a lot done.  She came home yesterday and, bless her heart, tried to start packing her bedroom.  She ended up making a bigger mess than it was before.  She was trying really hard and getting frustrated, so I let her relax for the rest of the day.

I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and I have to force myself to get a handle on it.  When things get too stressful, I find myself pulling inward and becoming numb to everything around me.  I zone out to the world until I decompress.  Right now would be the absolute worst time to do that.  I only have two weeks to get the house in order for moving.

We still have so much packing to do.  My husband is helping a lot, but we have so much junk.  There’s so much stuff to go through and throw away.  I have to do at least a little bit each night after work, along with all my normal duties.  There’s only one weekend left between now and moving day.  I can feel the depression and stress working on me.

Moving is a hard task for anyone who is mentally stable, but for someone like me who thrives on routine, it’s torture.  My world is being flipped upside down and I have to somehow pretend that everything is ok.  I know, logically, that it is ok, and this is all for the best, but I just want to curl up in a hole and pretend it isn’t happening.  Just let it all be over.  Let us be in our new apartment with everything in place right now.

I have to take it easy on me.  I tend to be too hard on myself when I don’t get as much done as I had intentioned.  Instead I will praise myself for getting the things done that I have.  I think things will be a lot smoother if I’m acknowledging my accomplishments rather than focusing on the things I didn’t get done.

It won’t be easy, but if I’m going to make it through this, I have to try.

Inside the Fire

Really feeling this song tonight.  Thinking back on my self-destructive behaviors and how close I got to death on more than one occasion.