My Grief is Changing
15 Feb 2010 Leave a comment
in Coping, Memories of Mom, Moving On, Recovery Tags: Coping, Memories of Mom, Moving On, Recovery
I am in a strange place with my grief. It’s strange, but good. Before I started on this journey of coping with my mother’s death, I would get consumed with grief over my loss. I would try like hell to keep her out of my mind, just so I could function.
My mother’s death was the threshold to a life of abuse, neglect and pain. That’s what I would think about when I thought about her death. If my mother had lived, I would be a happy, normal, healthy adult. My grief was not just for her, but for my innocence lost at the same time.
I think I’ve turned that around.
I no longer think about her death that way. I still think about the unfairness of it, and question my own abilities as a mother. I still miss her everyday. I still wish she were here.
She was the most amazing mother in the world, and I am lucky to have gotten to spend the time with her that I did.
I feel her now. I feel her all around me, all the time and it is very warm and fuzzy. I think of her now and smile.
I no longer think of the things I wish I could have changed before her death. The time I disappointed her, the one time I told her that I hated her because I was mad, the time I made her cry because I had cut my arm really bad doing something stupid. There’s many more. I’m sure I will still think of them from time to time because they are among the most vivid memories of my childhood, but I won’t continue to punish myself for them.
I have a long way to go, and I have just started a Healing Workbook because I still need to grasp how her death affected me as I grew up, and how it changed me as a person. There’s still a lot of work to do, but it’s welcome work.
I believe my mother is smiling down on me. She always did have a beautiful smile.